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Terrorists like to target states that weren’t creative in naming their towns. Based on intelligence, we have identified Towns A, B and C to be the biggest terrorist targets at this time.
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Some evil Americans, also known as conservatives think you should follow the laws to become a citizen. Riding over the border in your cousin Rosita's trunk will put you face to face with an evil law enforcer, who does not understand
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If the food supply is cut off, resist eating the dead fish and birds in your yard. Imminent death is not an excuse to cheat on your diet.
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It is important that you and your faceless family have a plan in place. If you are lucky you only have one faceless kid to keep track of -- hopefully he's not old enough to have discovered the joys of smoking pot or engaging in underage drinking and unprotected sex.
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If radiation is at your door -- do not open the door unless you know the radiation personally *
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And remember that 99% of all biological agents can be killed with a three foot tall can of Lysol. The other 1% can be killed by staring at them.
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For your own safety, please keep your respiratory and digestive systems inside your body at all times. We have indicated where they belong in the diagram above.
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Symptoms of exposure to radioactive materials include seeing red rings, an arrow, a digital display of the time and the radioactive symbol. If you experience any of these symptoms it’s probably too late. So if you were thinking about cheating on your wife, this would be the time to go head and do so.
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Going to a fall out shelter is for sissies. And pointless, too as the artificially intelligent radiation will just follow you down the stairs. But if you are just looking to get laid, this is the place, brother.
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Instead of running -- look at the guy to your left, and encourage him to look at the guy sobbing on the floor. It is important to consider the feelings of others during an emergency. Especially if you all look exactly alike.
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If you are at home during an attack you may find that your house was constructed of material that shrinks when exposed to deadly toxins, beware of low ceilings and doors.
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While very pretty to look at red, orange and green air might cause the lower half of your body to disappear. Just stay calm by rubbing your own neck and shoulders.
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Most of the products the women in our life use on their face and body are toxic. Be careful not to confuse copious application of cheap cologne with an actual chemical attack. False alarms drain our nation's security budget every day.
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If the water supply is contaminated all water will be cut off at your home. After several days you and your family might not smell very fresh. Handkerchiefs are the best protection from body odor. Keep strong deoderant in your emergency kit which should be firmly fastened to your body in a fanny pack at all times.
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You can call your local doctor, but he probably won’t answer. Some high tech phones can actually perform CPR. *
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Make sure you have good music to listen to while you die and a few good friends or family members to call or chat with over the internet. Whatever you do don't use AOL, the Department of Homeland Security has received news of their post-apocolyptic karmic billing plan.
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Always dial 10-10-220 before making long distance calls to loved ones. And wash your hands after using the telephone -- most terrorist attacks are executed through the phone.
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But whatever you do, DON’T cry. That’s what the terrorists want. We may die but we can't let them win.
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Apocolyptic concerns emailed to Homeland Security include intense boredom. We suggest that you use your imagination. If you don't have one, you can always pretend you are a Swiss doctor and insist on invasive inspections of all women's private parts, provided they are under the age of 50.
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and if you are unlucky enough to be ill, perhaps you will have an ounce of good fortune and get treated by a hot nurse who doesn't wear underwear. *
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