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July 21, 2002
online dating etiquette
Tips for men who like women | online dating etiquette
{After being asked repeatedly, here now is a follow up to the wildly popular and highly controversial, tips for men who like women | for the totally clueless}
1. Let's start at the beginning. Choose your screen name wisely. We're not favorably impressed with the likes of what BeachBum876, or 6FootSwell has to offer. We've worked hard to have a successful career and expect the same from the men we date. We're skeptical that SuccessfulRichDude is anything but a dude. Romantic_Dreamer makes you sound like a sap. Nothing about those names is encouraging.
2. The women tend to get bombarded on these services, due to the male female ratio balancing clearly in favor of those with boobs. Don't expect a response. Similarly, don't write your life story on the first email. We're sorting through tons of emails. Respect our time.
3. Equally bad are first emails containing questions that would require us to write a novel in order to adequately answer it:
Tell me all about yourself.Cheers,Bob
Isn't that the purpose of the essay section in our profiles? Better to ask something specific like, "do you have herpes?" or "didn't we have a one night stand back in '92?"
4. If the woman specifies she's looking for someone between the ages of 30-40 and you are just shy of 23…she's not interested. Similarly, if she wants a black man, and you are white…you aren't going to be the one to change her preference. If you are gay, don't contact a woman no matter how much you the love the handbag she's carrying in the photo. She probably won't have a child for you and your partner no matter how nicely you ask.
Trust me. Read what the woman took the time to write and then look in the mirror.
5. Don't contact us if you don't have a clear photo. If you don't want to post it for fear the cops will finally track you down and get you for all those missed child and spousal support payments then send it to us via email. Sounds complicated, I know. That means you'll have to send two emails with match.com. Don't worry, you'll figure it out.
6. Don't write a poem in your "about me" section. Don't write a poem in the "about your ideal woman" section. And don't, under any circumstance write one in the first email you send your prospective mate.
7. Spelling still counts. Grammar will get you everywhere.
8. Don't send the same stock email to every woman. We often sign up for these things with our friends. We talk. A lot.
9. If she says, let's get together Thursday and you don't hear from her she's not interested. It sucks, I know but so does the email saying "I don't think we're a match."
10. Which leads me to perhaps the most important one. If we say it's not a match, don't send emails telling us we're a bad person for not feeling the chemistry with you. That only makes us more confident that we made the right decision.
I know this all sounds unfair. But there was a point in our lives when you were in control. Remember all the times in college when you'd have sex with a girl and then never call her again? Or the times you slept with your girlfriend's sister, roommate or mother? And then told all your buddies about every last detail? Or video taped your bedroom acrobatics without telling her? Okay so maybe you were the one guy who didn't do those things. It sucks that I have to say this stuff. But I do.
Online dating is karmic payback for your gender. For now anyway, the women are in the driver's seat.
Oh and if you follow all the rules and meet a woman, try to shower and look presentable for your date. It really sucks for us to have to tell our friends, "he was nice but he kind of smelled funny."
Posted by Moxie at July 21, 2002 3:16 AM
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Comments
everything you said in this email is true.....bitch.......
Posted by: punchinthemunchkin at April 22, 2004 11:07 PM
hi
Posted by: matthew at June 30, 2004 5:07 PM
Nice article.
Ps- didn't we have a one night stand back in '92?
Posted by: Rich at July 17, 2004 7:58 AM
Believe it or not, I agree with everything that was said in this article, and am one of the few men out there who are guilty of none of the atrocities stated above. However, I would like to take the time and embellish on this article a little bit, in the interest of all around fairness...
ONLINE DATING ETIQUETTE
TIPS FOR WOMEN DATING MEN
1. Do not post a personal ad at all online if you "have too much happening in your life right now". You would be surprised at the amount of people who I've contacted who have handed down this excuse. If your life is so busy that you can't go out on a friendly date, why did you bother to put up an ad at all? Unless, of course, your excuse is full of it...
2. If you view my ad and you are not interested, ignore it. Pass on. Don't write. Being ignored is not a problem for me, it's how you show me you're not interested, and I can handle that. But please do not write and get my hopes up. You don't know how many times I've checked my E-mails at match.com and found my inbox full of messages, only to check them out in my E-mail and have them say, "Hey, you sound like a really interesting person, but unfortunately... (insert reason for rejection here.)". Okay, thanks. Just one question...why did you bother to even waste the E-paper...and my time as well as yours? You could have spent all that wasted energy writing to someone you WERE interested in, instead of building me up for a big letdown.
3. One of the first things I look at is "About My Date" when reviewing an ad for someone who interests me. What she looks for in me is important, because it will determine her interest level in me. So please take the time to fill it out, or at least somewhat fill it out. I realize that some people are easy-going and don't have a lot of unreasonable expectations...but I think I speak for most of us when I say that I'm attracted to someone with at least some minimal standards as far as what they look for in us. When I go down the list and see "Any, Any, Any, Any..." it gives me the impression that they don't care, much less even took the time to read through it or fill it out.
4. As previously mentioned, spelling and grammar will get you everywhere, the same applies for women as well as men. Your ad is your first impression, so make it a good one. If you write unintelligently, people will naturally assume you are not intelligent, even if you are.
5. Also, as previously mentioned...take the time to read the ad of the person who you are looking at, and wink or send E-mail only if you meet their criteria. Granted, I myself am reasonable and can compromise on several key issues at times. But if I am the type looking for someone age 21-42 within 100 miles of Baltimore without kids who doesn't smoke, and you are 57 and live in California and have three kids and puff like a chimney that won't draw properly, 'winking' or E-mailing me is not going to do a lot of good...
6. This is important! I believe that there is a natural progression to online dating...namely, wink, wink back, exchange a few E-mails, IM, phone conversation, and first meeting. And I think nothing of anyone who tries to hold this natural progression back. If you are interested in me, and I in you, then we should be talking on the phone within the week, meeting each other within the month. Women who want to trade E-mails back and forth for the next seven years while they 'get to know me' do not impress me at all. Because as chauvanistic as it sounds...while you're hiding behind a computer screen for the rest of your life 'getting to know me', I'll be out and about in the sunshine getting to know someone else face to face. I come from an era where we all did not have the safety and anonymity of the Internet to conveniently hide behind, an era where people went out with real people on real dates instead of 'pretend' ones in cyberspace. There's nothing wrong with playing it safe, but playing it safe to the point of being impractical does not help the situation at all. One is liable to meet a psychopath no matter what method of dating they employ...the Internet has given us all the opprotunity to feel even more threatened and paranoid than before. Don't let it! Most of us are here for the same purpose, after all...because we all hold out hope that 'that special someone' will come into our lives, not because we all want to feel threatened by each other for the next decade or so. Not everyone on these services is a psychopath...I don't assume that and neither should you. First meetings in public places, especially in the company of good friends who make you feel safe, are actually recommended and wise and will get you everywhere with me. Hiding under a rock and talking to me from under it for the rest of your life will not.
7. Most important...be yourself. Yourself is the only thing that will impress me...or not impress me...but at least I will know for sure one way or the other. I would afford you no less.
And that...is my two cents for today.
--- Kirk ---
Posted by: Kirk Bradford Myers at August 12, 2004 4:19 PM
Kirk is so right on! Moxie's points are well taken, too. I didn't realize that the supply of women to men was so balanced against the guys, maybe in my dating category (late 40's, early 50's) the ratios are not so unfavorable to men.
Thanks for a great article!
Posted by: D. R. Hunter at October 14, 2004 1:04 PM
