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September 3, 2002

another typical day in the life

another typical day in the life

People who think I make up the crazy shit that happens to me should spend a day at my house.

I arrived home from the airport Saturday morning to a nice clean house which was a good thing since I was exhausted. Thirsty and sleepy, I grabbed a diet coke from my fridge. My mother took it upon herself to "ween me" off them during my "vacation." Her idea of "weening" is for me not to have even a drop of diet coke all week. It was like one of those camps for kids gone bad. They grab them out of their bed in the middle of the night and ship them off to some torturous wilderness outward bound thing. They tell the kid it's a vacation and then the following days turn out to be a cross between a half-way house and military prison. Only you get to shower once in a while at the half-way house. And I don't think your mother is present at military prison. Perhaps the only benefit of such imprisonment.

I head upstairs to start downloading my email and write a new post. I place the bottle of diet coke on my dresser while I change into something a little more comfortable. Bet you all didn't know I do that before I write my posts for you, did you?

After changing, I went to pick it up and the bottle starts spraying...not just a little. It was some sort of geyser, the likes of which can not be described with ordinary words. Expletives flew from my mouth sounding not unlike a drunken sailor in a Panama City Bar. I cursed in English, Greek, Brazilian Portuguese and Arabic. I ran from the bedroom through the hall, into the bathroom and dropped the geyser in the bathtub. But not before every inch of my walls, carpets, floors, furniture and mirrors were thoroughly soaked.

In three different rooms.

Diet coke DOES stain, contrary to popular belief.

these are the facts as best we can recount them:
-> bad things happen to me at least twice a day
-> most of these things are so surreal not even my parents believe me
-> i spent the next three hours cleaning up the mess
-> my life gives the phrase "better off dead" a whole new meaning

My entire existence is a case of mistaken Karma, I could not have been this bad in a prior life.
You'd think I'd at least have *some* memories of the debauchery...

Posted by Moxie at September 3, 2002 12:33 AM |Stumble It! | | del.icio.us