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September 20, 2002

i'm going to...

A few eucalyptus leaves fell on the terrace today, as I swept them aside I took a deep breath of the air and it smells of autumn. This time last year my goal was to be back in true moxie form in a year. The season is changing again, time moving forward and yet I am in exactly the same place. I have not moved.

This weekend I should have made it out, talked and flirted with men or found out if any of my friends are still talking to me. After a year of this, I wouldn't be surprised if they didn't take my calls. But I didn't do any of those things. Instead, I babysat and lurked in front of my computer.

I still don't listen to messages on my answering machine, if it's important they'll call back. I don't listen to these messages mostly because I was half asleep when people called and I heard the message through my groggy mist. I don't call people very often and I haven't left the house socially since I had lunch with Doc.

I'm a good actress sometimes. When I do see my friends I always hear through the grapevine, "oh she seems to be doing well, though she did lose too much weight."

Last night I took a picture of my body and face, so I could see what I look like to others. I didn't recognize myself. I compared it to photos taken of me last year. Along with a dozen pounds, my joie d' vivre is gone. My eyes dull, my hair dirty and straggly, my heart conspicuously missing.

"I'm going to stop sleeping so much, get on a better sleep schedule, eat right, take vitamins and get back on track tomorrow," I told myself at 4 AM when I couldn't sleep.

There's nothing as frustrating for me to know where I should be, to know the things I should want to do or be doing and be completely unable to do them. Sometimes I pretend that I want to do these things but as I watched a movie on the couch this afternoon I realized, I still don't want to date.

These are my thoughts, my words, my feelings. Because I feel close to all of you I thought I'd share them. But I respectfully ask that you not judge me or use them against me. There's very little logic or reason in matters of the heart.

Posted by Moxie at September 20, 2002 3:22 AM |Stumble It! | | del.icio.us