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January 24, 2005
how much toilet paper does one family need?
For my libzilla readers who long for the days when I talk about my trips to the grocery store -- this is your lucky day.
My gay houseboy Andrew dragged me to the store yesterday. We picked a short line, behind a little brown person with nothing but three dozen jumbo packs of various brands of quilted toilet paper on the conveyor belt.
In retrospect, a poor choice indeed.
After about 25 minutes and 500 coupons later, Andrew lost all composure.
"How many f'ing rolls of TP does one family need?"
I shushed him.
The woman was arguing (through a translator) about the validity of her 134th coupon. The patient cashier began sorting through the other 366 coupons. Comparing and contrasting.
Then she had to look over the three-dozen packs of TP in order to match up each with its respective coupon.
Another 15 minutes later, we started to pack up our groceries to take to another checkout counter. Our poor cashier looked up and said, "I'm so sorry - this is not my fault."
As we well know, sorry is in the dictionary between shit and syphilis.
Of course after the toilet paper-monster had one 25 cent off coupon rejected, she decided she wanted to void the entire purchase.
Again, my gay houseboy asked loudly as we shoved ourselves past the large stationary object why she needed so much g-damn toilet paper. "Are you the purveyor for the entire pueblo?"
Let me tell you, my gentle readers.
That woman answered the question with silent but deaadly flatuence more potent than any weapon of mass destruction conceived in the western world. Though the methane mushroom cloud she unleashed made for a beautiful sunset all across LA.
At least now we know where's Saddam's weapons are stored. Let the world beware.
Posted by Moxie at January 24, 2005 7:46 AM
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Comments
Don't get me started on the idiocy of checkout lines. All lines should be "bank style", where you have one feeder line and many tellers (or in your case, checkout clerks).
It completely eliminates "got in the slow lane" or "she's digging through expired coupons to look for the one she needs and is now writing a check" syndrome.
It's the only way.
Well, there's a better way, but it would involve handing out pellet guns to the people standing in line after any unreasonable delay.
Posted by: Aaron's Rantblog at January 24, 2005 9:34 AM
Or here's another solution... legislation that limits you to coupons IN HAND and check writing ONLY IF EVERYTHING BUT THE AMOUNT is filled out before arriving at the checker.
Check not filled out or still digging for that special coupon... back to the end of the line, pal!
And the lady doesn't need TP. She needs a fitted cork.
Posted by: Aaron's Rantblog at January 24, 2005 9:38 AM
Okay, Jeff and I just peed our pants after I read your comments out loud.
He also wants to point out that on the corner of Sodom and Gomorrah Blvds in West Hollywood the fitted cork is readily available.
Posted by: Moxie ![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://moxie.nu/nav-commenters.gif)
at January 24, 2005 9:43 AM
Sympathy is also between shit and syphalis in the you-know-what.
Posted by: Kelly at January 24, 2005 9:56 PM
gah
fucking grocery stores.
this is why I eat takeout. permamently.
fried wanton isn't just for breakfast anymore.
Posted by: Fil at January 24, 2005 10:25 PM
Here you go...
http://www.gagworks.com/index.asp?PageAction=VIEWPROD&ProdID=948
You can suggest to the liberals that they need to start a program to hand these out to the less fortunates in your "fair but befouled" city for the greater good of LA and its air quality.
Posted by: FunkStankFlapper at January 25, 2005 6:53 AM
Too funny! Thanks for the huge smile today. And for the link to the corks. ;)
Posted by: reverse@vampyr at January 25, 2005 12:30 PM
Well said, I think!!!
Posted by: Sam at January 25, 2005 3:46 PM
For a humorous take on raising kids to be conservative:
http://www.liberalsundermybed.com/
Posted by: Thunder Runner at January 26, 2005 6:51 AM
Bravo, Fil! FINALLY, conservatives and liberals can agree on SOMETHING!!!
So happy to-gether...
Posted by: perfectd at January 26, 2005 5:03 PM
Funny!
Loved this line..."As we well know, sorry is in the dictionary between shit and syphilis."
Posted by: an admirer at January 27, 2005 2:00 PM
PS. I think you're cute!
Posted by: an admirer at January 27, 2005 2:12 PM
Moxie, Moxie, Moxie.
It took the combined intelligence of the two of you 40 minutes to figure out that you were in the wrong line? How conservative. I give 'em 90 seconds…
Posted by: Jody at January 29, 2005 1:11 PM
That is a fine point Jody.
However, we were deeply engaged in conversation (about oil) and when we first thought about packing up that evil cashier told us we'd be through her line before another. We believed her for another 15 minutes.
And who knows...it could have been worse. Another line could have had an incredibly slow check writer.
Posted by: Moxie at January 29, 2005 1:44 PM
This is the most hilarious blog I have ever read!!!
Posted by: Jennifer at February 2, 2005 11:28 AM
