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April 29, 2004

nightline

While it may seem that I've taken an unplanned vacation this week, in reality I've been sitting here reading the names of all the victims of the September 11th terrorist attacks. And drinking politically motivated martinis. Be back tomorrow.

Posted by Moxie at 5:44 PM | Comments (3)

April 26, 2004

comment from the left

Every once in a while, I think about getting rid of comments. But then I'd miss the unbridled joy of answering them, especially those like the one below: (from the Earth Day post)

I wouldn't say you should be locked up, but would it hurt to post something at least midly intellectualy stimulating once in a while? I'm beginning to hear the screams of wasted computer cycles crying out to me from out of the void every time I come here. Posted by: Aaron at April 23, 2004 01:21 PM

Well sweetheart, there are plenty of other opinion-based websites to visit. Disclaimer: we do not guarantee they will contain as much vodka or guns per square inch. We here at the Moxtopia compound find it ironic that you seek “something at least midly [sic] intellectualy [sic] stimulating." Try a Dictionary for starters. Then move on to grammar and style. Once you’ve attained eighth grade reading, spelling and comprehension skills (no child or adult left behind) come back and see us. Compared to liberals, Conservatives are much more accepting of those who are beneath us. As long as the miscreants try. Sometimes exposure to the opposite sex can release your inner "intellectualy." On the right -- after we’ve worked long hours to add cash to our overflowing vaults and still need to be able to type and spell -- we find firing a gun or popping some oxycontin to be highly therapeutic. Finally, it tickles Ashcroft’s taint that you find reading your own viewpoint boring and predictable. We do too. Maybe we’re getting somewhere. first to comment: expategghead, who obviously gets it.

Posted by Moxie at 4:49 PM | Comments (40)

April 23, 2004

we get email

It seems I’ve made a liberal friend. The man who emailed me earlier this month graced my inbox with a missive once again.

Mox,

Thanks for explaining conservatives to me. You right wing people are friggin' crazy and should be locked up.

It was Earth Day yesterday. I’d like to know how you celebrated it.

Cheers,
B.L.

As always, it makes me tingly to share.

9:58 AM:
Wake up to the smell of gasoline. My lawn boys were outside with the leaf blowers and lawn mowers grooming the vast grounds of the Moxtopia compound.

10 AM:
I crawl over the exhausted partygoers and yell at the lawn boys. Tell them to hurry because we will begin drilling for oil any minute.

Pass out in the arms of Don Rumsfeld to sleep some more.

1 PM:
Wake up again. The drilling has begun. Consuela is crying because she found an oil coated seal beached near the koi pond.

1:10 PM:
Call President Bush’s cell phone and suggest new ways to sacrifice the environment to fatten our wallets.

1:15 PM:
Let the shower run for a long time until the water is good and hot. Turn up the central air and open a few windows because it’s too steamy in the bathroom.

1:45 PM:
My driver takes me to target practice in the Hummer. While cruising on the freeway empty a full ashtray out the window. Laugh maniacally.

1:47 PM:
Admire the smog and the sexy mystique it gives Los Angeles.

3:15 PM:
"Forget" to recycle and throw a few glass bottles into the trash. Insist that dinner be served tonight with plastic utensils and Styrofoam plates.

4:00-5:00 PM:
Spend time in the Moxtopia labs figuring out how to destroy the ozone and encourage global warming. Because I hate cold weather.

5:50 PM:
Purchase a second Hummer. Just in case the first is out of gas.

6:00 PM:
Review a negative Environmental Impact Report and agree to invest in a huge development project in the Playa del Rey wetlands.

6:10 PM:
Freshen the 10,000 square feet of the Moxtopia compound’s east wing using a lovely aerosol home fragrance.

7:00 PM:
Recognize it is Earth Day and wonder if the iron fist of communism has been melted down and recycled.

7:50 PM:
Realize it is intact and sitting on the mantle at the John Forbes Kerry compound.

Posted by Moxie at 12:16 AM | Comments (40)

April 22, 2004

Who’s your Daddy?

Don’t think even for a minute the VRWC lost memories of Saddam Hussein's attempt to kill Bush’s daddy. If there is only one thing we conservatives hate more than the fatuous left, it would clearly be the former Democratic dictator from Iraq. Whom until captured insistently taunted us with his poor French accent, “who’s your daddy, white boys?” When we say done, it's done. Though Saddam still has trouble believing it. It’s widely accepted that if you are conservative, you use your mind for evil. And we’re okay with that. Just as long as we have enough scotch. Tonight, after donning our secret decoder rings and re-dedicating our lives to xenophobia, revenge and oligarchy -- Ashcroft planted a big ole kiss on my right-wing mouth. I informed him I would absolutely NOT have an abortion if I got pregnant from that kiss. Because that’s how conservative babies are made, you know. Ashcroft vowed then and there that if he has to grow old and gray (done?) he will make all abortions, miscarriages and women who aren’t willing to bear fruit from their womb patently illegal in the eyes of our GOD almighty. Next up was a game of strip Twister. Dubya got his tongue stuck up his own sphincter while trying to place his right hand on a red circle, but that’s par for the course. The paramedics were very understanding. And it was an easier fix than when we all played an elitist and racist game of Scrabble. "Stratergy" is not in the official Scrabble dictionary. But try telling that to the POTUS -- even as a member of his party's vast conspiracy. Bob Woodward’s next 900 page book will be based on that topic. Even though he wasn’t present. Really.

Posted by Moxie at 2:50 AM | Comments (10)

April 19, 2004

moon over melrose

Whenever my Saudi sweetheart is in town he fills up my Porsche's gas tank on the house. He flew into Los Angeles courtesy of President Bush to discuss important matters regarding the control of November’s election. I am always overly anxious to see what he’s got waiting for me under those flowing robes (it's never a banana and he has no pockets) but yesterday he arrived as I was departing for services at the Unification Church. The Rev. and Mrs. Moon were of course present at the compound for the election meeting and kind enough to renew my free subscription to the Washington Times before I left to go pray. Later, when I returned from church there was a swinging foam party, Jell-O wrestling and one of the potential November terrorists was licking whipped cream off Dick Cheney’s cheeks. Butt cheeks. Consuela was thougtful enough to serve our Saudi friends their cocktails in oil cans as they played truth or dare with the strippers. Needless to say, no one present was capable of telling the truth, so it was a night full of dares. Colin Powell was in the corner sulking. He’s wrong to feel left-out -- we tell the Saudis everything before we tell him. And I’ll tell you: The election terrorist threat is a conspiracy creation to keep liberals away from the polls. It makes Kerry appear to be terrorist-friendly and gives us a good excuse if we somehow lose the majority of electoral votes. All conservatives have been sent a memo (check your mail) indicating the importance of sending in absentee ballots. Otherwise, it’s a postponed election and martial law. Even Powell knows about that part. And the Media (which is so very biased towards the right) will make it clear – if it’s President Kerry -- the terrorists and fear have won. Just like Spain.

Posted by Moxie at 7:55 PM | Comments (14)

April 17, 2004

homie don't play it that way

The reason the Bush administration did nothing about al-Qaeda prior to 9-11 is because we knew what was coming. We saw it as a great opportunity to wage bloody wars on a couple of Arab nations which we'd been eyeing for reform. This is our primary goal in life. (Besides cutting funding to social services). By the way, denying the poor is what makes conservatives giddiest, much like a few glasses of Dom Perignon at the Moxtopia compound. Close second is reading Maureen Dowd. It's like the homeless intellectual outside the grocery store who tells us we are ripe for a liver transplant. Most weekends, the vast conspiracy gathers around, drinks French wine and laughs at how the country is spending too much money on a commission only to answer the painfully obvious. Aside from protecting Americans from its domestic terrorists (liberals), the VRWC was too busy taking three hour lunches. You didn't hear it from me, but after lunch George Dubya takes a nap under the oval office desk with his blue presidential blankie. Much better than soiling a perfectly good intern's dress, n'est pas? Personally, I find it amazing the liberals wouldn't rather spend this money to help some poor drugged-out welfare mother who is 24, lazy, has no job, 5 kids and one on the way. But they can have it their way. This is much more fun. The entertainment value and cocktail party banter this commission has fueled is priceless. Big VRWC joke a few weekends ago -- if the commission asked a certain question -- Condi was going to say, "homie don't play it that way" and hold for the laughter and applause. I was against this of course, the better answer was clearly, "Aren't you people supposed to be FOR my kind?"

Posted by Moxie at 4:46 PM | Comments (6)

April 14, 2004

left wing celebrity gossip

Every single member of the VRWC knows we’ve had Osama bin Laden in captivity for months now. Every last member has had multiple opportunities to throw rocks at him (only because we didn’t want to waste the saliva to spit on him). Osama’s holed up at an undisclosed location, which may or may not be a low security rehab house for recovering crack ho’s here in Hollywood. Rest assured, OBL will be transferred to official government control a few weeks before the November election when we conveniently and officially “capture” him. Since I have the inside line on the grand poobah of the axis of evil, I thought I’d share some interesting facts about him. --> Osama has taken a strong liking to wearing vintage Versace. Says once he becomes a martyr he’ll go to the big jihad in the sky – a place where it’s copacetic to wear white all year ‘round. --> Through the use of a myriad of smoke and mirrors, Ashcroft has OBL praying to the west each day. And we all know – pray in the wrong direction – and you’ll get a mere 32 virgins when you blow yourself up. --> Thanks to a Bulgarian tranny hooker at the undisclosed location Osama has become quite intrigued by the euro-trash scene. --> Would like to move to Europe once they take over the world. Has his eye on a pricey Madrid villa. Is excited that the recent terrorist attacks there have reduced property values. --> At worst, looks forward to Kerry’s presidency as he can go free and use the bidet at a bin Laden family Beverly Hills mansion. --> Has been overheard singing the “milkshake song” by Kelis and buying knock-off Von Dutch nipple adornments on eBay. --> OBL is apparently a “bottom” and proud of it. Claims he is hiding Saddam’s WMD’s deep inside his bowels. Will dare/allow anyone to search for them using whatever implements they desire. --> He’s talking with Michael Moore daily about future collaboration on a documentary about how much Bush sucks. As it turns out OBL hasn’t been enjoying the sub-par cave dwelling. So there you have it. Osama sends his love to John Forbes Kerry and looks forward to his election. OBL knows that man means freedom from responsibility. Now that’s liberty! elsewhere: because I want all to be right with the world.

Posted by Moxie at 12:28 AM | Comments (13)

April 12, 2004

momentary lapse of vodka

There was an extemporaneous VRWC party Saturday night.

Despite the rigid security (fingerprinting and face recognition technology) an androgynous camel-toed liberal made it inside the conspiracy headquarters.

If it weren’t for the camel toe, we wouldn’t have known whether it was an effeminate man or a really ugly intellectual woman. Reminded me of our gender disputes over Hillary back in 1993.

Unfortunately, the security briefing we received last week spoke of a party-crasher but wasn’t specific as to the who, what, where, when and how. We were pretty busy planning our next war and didn’t feel it necessary to preempt all VRWC parties indefinitely.

We get reports like this all the time. Liberals just don't know how to party. Why ground even a single fete, it's letting the leftists win.

More importantly, the Right Wing can’t control the universe if denied the reckless enjoyment of doing body shots off Dick Cheney’s chest while working (and we work all the time). Cheney's pacemaker adds a certain indescribable zing – Rummy likes to call it the shock and awwww yeah shot.

The hysterical intellectual party-crasher picked up a stack of Halliburton stock certificates and waved them at us angrily. (Truth be told, we have so many of them -- they are frequently used as cocktail napkins.)

Consuela, the dumb bitch that she is brought the liberal a top shelf martini. Furious, I had to reprimand my maid for this poor behavior.

She should know by now -- we NEVER EVER serve the Grey Goose martinis to liberals -- their palates aren’t as evolved as ours. It’s like serving seared bald eagle to an officer of the World Wildlife Fund.

The ugly chick accepted the martini anyway and after taking a big gulp momentarily placed it down on one of the certificates. She then raised her glass and pocketed that Halliburton goodness. I consider it my personal contribution to the stupid and inane.

Condi winked at me just as Andrew, my gay houseboy, grabbed the interloper by the ass. I reminded him the liberal was a "she" so he reached for her flabby arm instead. Firmly he led her out the back door, keys to the Hummer in hand.

I told him “Andrew, drive her out to the desert and leave her with only a few waffles and John Kerry’s cell phone number.”

Let’s see how she fares.

Posted by Moxie at 2:07 AM | Comments (25)

April 10, 2004

The Passion

Who knew a mere $2,000 donation to the Bush campaign would provide delightful perks such as waking up in the arms of Dick Cheney?

Well, it’s true. And on Easter weekend no less. Now I can say firsthand he’s conservative only in politics and smells good too.

For the curious, here is the agenda for Easter weekend at the Moxtopia compound:

Good Friday:
For a militant right wing girl Good Friday requires a lot of fasting, praying and spending time with the people who matter most to me.

Because everyday should be a party, I invited a few of my buddies from the NRA to come over and celebrate an elaborate fertility festival in the name of our lord jesus christ.

After reading the bible we sat discussing whose gun had more power and girth. Then it was out to the backyard of the Moxtopia compound to shoot a few doves.

Okay, a lot of doves. Easter bunnies were spared, through a twist of fate.

Due to matters pertaining to law, I discouraged them from taking out the homeless and toothless intellectuals lurking just outside the gates.

Fortunately, fasting according to the good lord’s law doesn’t include liquids, if you have a condition. Since we all have a condition requiring booze, Consuela mixed gin and tonics all day long.

Saturday:
I plan to break the fast with a delicious brunch -- spotted owl omelet’s served with tender sirloin of clubbed baby seal.

My gay houseboy will be mixing a special AM cocktail I call my weapon of mass destruction. You can look for the recipe all you want but will never find it.

Again I will lecture Andrew about homosexuality and how every act of sodomy is another nail in jesus’ heart.

Easter Sunday:
On the day of rest the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy will gather at my place to eat, imbibe and discuss ways to further increase the budget deficit. During down years (Democratic presidencies), we get to take this day off and party - but since we're in charge there's work to be done.

After dinner we’d throw the leftover fat from the ham out to the welfare mothers, but most of them are vegetarians - and those people have no appreciation for the thousands of pounds of grain used to fatten up our meats.

At least they smoke a lot and don't have medical insurance. Thank the lord, for small miracles... oh wait that's Thanksgiving.

Posted by Moxie at 7:00 AM | Comments (11)

April 7, 2004

VRWC: a day in the life

We've been pretty busy around here. And of course when I say "we" I mean me. I received this email yesterday and would like to answer it publicly:

Moxie, What is a typical day like for a VRWC lunatic like yourself? Cheers, B.L.

I'm so glad he asked: 12 noon: Wake up, promptly kick Owen Wilson out of my house. While reading Drudge, think about new ways to screw the poor. 12:15 PM: Have my gay houseboy serve me lunch by the pool. Pull out my pocket bible and begin talking about god and salvation. Tell him that gay people make baby jesus cry. 12:55 PM: Pour myself a white russian, do a line of coke off Karl Rove's ass and then prank call Al Franken. 1:00 PM: Count the wads of cash I have in my basement vault and think of new but inexpensive ways to flaunt my wealth. 2:12 PM: Call the Bin Laden family in Saudi Arabia. Make jokes about how we knew about 9-11. Hell, we helped plan it! 3:00 PM: Step outside and tell Mickey Kaus to stop stalking me and tell him I know he's really a Republican. 3:15 PM: Think about all the places the VRWC would like to wage war next. Drool uncontrollably at the thought of war(s). 4:00 PM: Get online. Buy twenty thousand dollars worth of electronics and think about calling President Bush to thank him for the tax cuts. And ask for more. 4:10 PM: Write a snarky note to Al Gore instead, thanking him for inventing the internet. 5:30 PM: Laugh at John Kerry and wonder if he likes waffles for breakfast. Plan how we are going to "steal" the next election as well. 6:00 PM: My Mexican maid arrives and though she's 8 months pregnant has decided that she was raped by her brother and would like time off for a late term abortion. 6:05 PM: I laugh manically and tell her soon she won't be able to take care of such matters at all. She will be forced to have babies even if she's going to die, or was raped. Because WE say so. 6:15 - 7:17 PM: My driver gets me to an undisclosed location in the new Hummer. There the local chapter of the VRWC exchange info about Iraqi oil. And chuckle at how we didn't mean to encourage Democracy in the Middle East, or ensure the absence of WMD. Oil, baby, oil! 7:30 PM: Back at the Moxtopia compound I clean, polish and french kiss my gun collection. 8:00 PM: Take an evening stroll and spit on the homeless man who's sitting outside the gates to my compound. Only because I'm out of rocks to throw. Lecture him about working hard and saving money. Call him lazy and a waste of a precious human life. 9:15 PM: Write a check to the Bush campaign. And tell him about my special interests. 9:30 PM: Rush Limbaugh's maid brings over some drugs and I tell her how I'm so much better than everyone else. 10:00 PM: Review geological surveys that indicate there might be oil underneath the forest at the back of my property. 10:15 PM: Call tree-guy's cell phone, tell him to come chop them all down tomorrow. Become giddy at the thought of displacing bambi and destroying the environment. It's not easy being a member of the VRWC, but I can handle it. elsewhere: lexxiblog

Posted by Moxie at 6:20 PM | Comments (25)

April 5, 2004

Put lipstick on a pig

...and guess what -- it's still a pig. Everyone's giving John Kerry advice on his campaign these days. I mean, why not? The guy really needs it. Armchair Campaign Manager Magazine is coming out with its first issue tomorrow but until then we can count his victories on one hand. Kerry's won over the French, stoned snowboarding hippies, anyone who actually believes he’s black, North Korean dictators and just a guess -- but surely Osama bin Laden is licking the stamps on his forged absentee ballot as I type. I hear mail delivery from the Afghanistan/Pakistan border isn’t timely. Every day this week, I will be offering a new piece of advice to the Kerry campaign. Because I care. The first bit of advice for Mr. Kerry would be to win over more single women voters in the metropolitan areas. They are what the VRWC call “knee jerk liberals.” Women who would check the “middle of the road” box on match.com – because they have no opinions of their own -- outside of the liberal media osmosis. Alternatively, there are the single gals who believe “liberal” means equality between the sexes -- as in sexual double standards are for conservatives, not for them. Metropolitan women (also known as MetroNeverMarriedSexuals) like to know a man understands the right for a woman to choose. You know, to have a doctor chop off her baby’s limb’s in utero and suck out its brains for any reason whatsoever. Since the above is a bit graphic for your very PC campaign Mr. Kerry….better to focus on the other things the ladies “get.” Like nail polish, eyeliner and Manolo Blahniks. Yes, they like botox, too. But as we know -- you’ve already got that part covered. My campaign source notes that you could use a little blush as your skin tone has been looking a little sallow as of late. John dear...talk about your shoe collection, how ALL you need are three black skirts and highlight your own personal struggle to find Mrs. Rich, I mean Right. Let those ladies know they CAN have it all. Go get ‘em Donkey. {with apologies to my liberal newly-wedded husband Tony Pierce)

Posted by Moxie at 12:00 AM | Comments (40)

April 1, 2004

I get email....

Emailed anecdote below. Don't miss this: {mildly edited for clarity} "I am an accountant One woman came in with a significant income. After doing her taxes and getting her itemized deductions to $12,000+ (including a whopping $150 charity deduction through her company) she received a $5,000 refund. I then explained her taxes and made a point of showing how much was the result of the recent tax cuts. She said she would rather not have the cut, they should use the money for schools and she would be voting Democrat to 'fix the problem.' I said she could give the money to any school she wanted to... She said she gave plenty (remember the $150?) I then went back into her taxes and dropped it to the standard deduction ($4750) and explained that just because she was entitled to the itemized deductions, no law required that she take them. She told me to put the deductions back the way they were. She signed her taxes in silence and left in a huff. As she left she said 'You clearly don't understand' I understand... She wanted to tell everyone that she was a compassionate person who wanted more money for schools... Yet she wanted every penny she could get." AMEN.

Posted by Moxie at 6:00 AM | Comments (24)

daisy chain 4 satan

(random "my life with the thrill kill kult" reference for anyone old enough to recall. Is Kerry the white rabbit?)

Posted by Moxie at 1:08 AM | Comments (9)