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May 30, 2004

panel/party/panoply

Many others have summarized the LA Press Club panel with much more energy than I am willing to commit. Matt Welch (who is indisputably the nicest guy on earth) and his beauteous wife Emmanuelle hosted an after party where many sordid and off color topics took control of the conversation. It's funny because idol Charles Johnson called me " the redoubtable (and some say frightening) moxie" and perhaps this picture lends some credence to that statement. With only a secret decoder ring and my vast right wing conspiracy powers, all I had to do was simply look at Democrat Steve Smith to teach him a lesson he'll never forget. "Darlin' put the movie back on the teevee. Nice and slowly now..." Fortunately the burns to his arm weren't life threatening (though if otherwise, it would be one less vote for John Kerry). Vik Rubenfeld snapped this photo, so you have only him to thank. Be afraid. Be very afraid. {if I have missed links to others, as I am sure I have -- please feel free to comment below and I will add them}

Posted by Moxie at 2:52 PM | Comments (23)

May 27, 2004

six years overdue

You know how after someone is arrested for a crime -- the media always interviews their neighbors? And almost without fail some white haired granny says, "Oh we are in shock. He was the nicest, most polite boy on the block...and very handsome." Probably not gonna happen with this guy. Speaking of which, here is what some other well known people are saying about the indictment: Michael Moore: "This is clearly a publicity stunt on the part of the Bush/Blair circle jerk. They want to put a stop to terrorism in order to steal the election." Al Gore: "I took my meds today, thank you for asking. " Jessica Simpson: "If the guy wants jihad, I know a really good place for that in LA, though the waiters are kind of slow."

Posted by Moxie at 1:47 PM | Comments (12)

my life as a liberal

Karl Rove may control the universe but he can’t be bothered to write my phone number down. So keeping with my "liberal week" theme, I called him to point out this strong first quarter economy is obviously part of the VRWC’s sinister plan to steal the election. Again. He laughed and told me, “I can land a brick on Kerry's buttcrack, babe. Just you wait and see.” Then Karl asked how life as a liberal was going for me. I told him yesterday I spent half the day humping a tree in hopes of driving away the mean, mean men with the buzz saws and bulldozers. As an added bonus, an acorn got wedged in my hoo-ha. So I might be pregnant with a baby oak and save the earth that way. You know, urban renewal. After taking a French bath with patchouli I made a cool poster (using only organic and recycled materials, of course) for the pro-dead fetus rally. Told all my new liberal friends that I’m hosting a “kill the baby but never a tree party” this weekend. They can hardly wait! That said, the next few days are going to be really busy: Friday: American flag burning ceremony Saturday: Moveon.org’s tribute to French bravery and valor Sunday: “Kill Babies not Trees” environmental fundraiser Monday: Dennis Kucinich’s botox party, guest of honor Janet Reno.

Posted by Moxie at 10:56 AM | Comments (7)

May 26, 2004

demotopia

Some days I would like to be a Democrat. You know, take it easy – live off the system. So Friday, I gave Andrew my pocket cash, checks and keys to the vault.

I told him to buy himself something pretty at Barney’s but no matter how much I begged, cried or threatened him – he was not to give the money sources back until Monday night.

Then I set about figuring out my entitlements as the neighborhood’s representative of the nouveau poor.

I heard my neighbors barbequing by the pool, so I went over and ate their food and drank their scotch. Told them I’d be back over for breakfast, lunch and cocktails for a few days.

They have more money than I do, so what’s the harm in sharing?

I watched the man of the house write out a quarterly income tax check. He was scowling so I reminded him, “the government knows how to spend your money better than you do, sweetheart.”

As I was leaving Nancy Pelosi decided to go skinny dipping (a hairy hypocrite – I thought she was anti-bush), so I may have to find another neighbor to sponge off.

Nancy’s kind of sagging ideological liberalism makes me violently ill. She was really drunk and talking about how much she misses Party of Five. That show was the only reason she’d ever tuned into a Fox affiliate

Later I had a scratchy throat so I looked up a city clinic and got treated for free. Why I ever paid for health care is beyond me. I felt responsibility slipping away like panties off a whore.

Looked into subsidized housing. Three hundred bucks a month for a three bedroom. Mon dieu! Figured out with welfare I could live quite nicely. And if I banged my landlord and washed the skid marks out of his underwear, hey – maybe I could even live for free.

Filled out an application and listed my two children Phoebe and Bentley as dependants. I might as well have “children,” since I pay taxes to the city for public education even though I have no children.

At this point I started to feel quite foolish for working so hard all this time.

Having nothing better to do I went and applied for food stamps. Damn things can’t be used for booze, but I guess that’s what the rest of my welfare check is for.

I lounged around all week, not doing much of anything to contribute to our economy.

Of course I had to give Andrew and Consuela an unpaid week of vacation. Wished it were long enough for them to collect unemployment, that would have been in the spirit of my Democratic living spree.

Last week, Consuela told me in her broken English that her Mexican relatives don’t come here for the American dream anymore. They come here because of the entitlements.

Sure takes a lot less work, sister.

Posted by Moxie at 12:02 AM | Comments (28)

May 24, 2004

a blur

Posted by Moxie at 7:05 PM

May 19, 2004

memo to the media

RE: Abuse in Iraq, we get it. No really. Due to our busy nature (being better than everyone else takes hard work, something you liberals should learn) we here at Moxtopia are tired of your constant repetitive reports on abuse. Prisoners, militarily enforced (butt) invasions and now reporters. Did you hear that? That's the sound of me yawning. From here on out we only want to see news stories about who WASN'T abused or sexually humiliated in Iraq. We think this should lighten up your workload and allow you more time with the bottle and redistribution of wealth to the po' folks. Don't forget, the poor like taking your money but most often use it to purchase booze. Be efficient. Give them what they want. Kisses, ~Moxie PS: Maybe this streamlining will also give you time to write the sarin stories you haven't had time to craft.

Posted by Moxie at 7:17 PM | Comments (39)

May 16, 2004

right on

Okay, though a staunch Liberal, I’m hooked. What did you do this weekend, you right wing wacko?

Fondly,
BL

Friday
Flew in my private jet up to Berkeley. Handed out disposable razors to every hairy liberal feminist I could find.

As if the sight of a razor wasn’t confusing enough to these people, I had the razors branded with their favorite saying, “No more Bush.”

I briefly lectured them on how and where to use it. Thus concludes a small part of my “No Bush Left Behind” initiative.

Had drinks with Andy Card. Talked about dead babies and how we can be more anti-women.

Saturday
Drank Mimosas with a Halliburton exec on the beach. We got naked and clubbed a bunch of baby seals.

Spared a few seals after they agreed to be hired as “independent contractors” then proceeded to club them as well.

Took the beasts to Jose who will make an ottoman out of the pelts. It’ll look elegant with my white tiger chair and mink chaise lounge.

Bought expensive designer clothes made in a sweatshop. Went down to the sweatshop to make sure everyone was working hard enough. Got confused thanks to “eau de cheap labor” and clubbed a 10-year old Indonesian who happened to be listening to Seal on her portable stereo.

Ended up purchasing an 18 carat gold flask (because the platinum flask doesn’t go with my new designer ensemble).

Sunday:
This is the lord’s day. So I went out to do his work.
Used my new flask at Kelsey Grammer’s right wing luncheon.

Left a bunch of “dead” plastic fetuses outside a few abortion clinics, which were closed (apparently, killing babies is a Monday-Saturday activity).

Asked everyone I saw if they had accepted George W. Bush as their personal savior.

Posted by Moxie at 5:05 PM | Comments (21)

May 13, 2004

down and out in Moxtopia™

Even the filthy rich, like myself have a day when life isn’t all exotic orchids in a vase and expensive champagne. Maybe it was the video. Maybe it’s the thought of Pfc. Peppermint Patty’s sex pictures. No wonder she’s pregnant. Maybe it’s because my first draft of “The Scent of Fear – a Homeland Security Scratch and Sniff Book” didn’t come out as well as I hoped. How do muslim extremists smell exactly? I imagine it’s a lot like drug store cologne. And explosives. Anyway, I knew how to cheer myself up in a hurry. Walked outside the compound gates to lecture the homeless intellectuals. One of them asked me if I had any spare change so I told him I’d check. Conveniently pulled out a sweaty wad of hundred dollar bills. “Nope, no spare change,” I told him. “And now let me teach you why spending money on war or going to Mars is better than starting new social programs….” I own this guy.

Posted by Moxie at 1:57 PM | Comments (15)

May 11, 2004

would you rather be humiliated or beheaded? You choose.

In case you've been hiding under a rock -- or drunk all day -- go to one of these places to view the most vile and evil thing I've seen that isn't a result of Hollywood's computer graphic technologies. The beheading of civilian Nick Berg carried out by an al-Qaida affiliated group in Iraq (Oh but there is NO al-Qaida connection in Iraq, according to Democrats) "Berg had traveled several times to Third World countries to help spread technology, his family said. He looked at it as bringing democracy to a country that didn’t have it.” So behold the "innocent" garden variety Islamic terrorists performing a most grotesque beheading ritual. or via Internet Haganah these mirror sites... mirror 1 mirror 2 mirror 3 hat tip to Charles. and he puts it best, "And remember this: what you see in this video is what the mujahideen would like to do to each and every one of us." Kind of makes Ann Coulter's "convert them to Christianity" comment seem like plain old common sense. Sleep well my liberal friends.

Posted by Moxie at 11:18 PM | Comments (45)

under the table employees

Hired a few more illegal aliens outside the Post Office today. I like to tell my rich Republican friends, "I had a need for 'Manuel' labor at the compound." And then we laugh and steal money from environmental groups. Some people would call this “cruel," but here we call it “Tuesday.” The upside of this arrangement is threefold:

1) They don't speak English and giving them instructions sharpens my charade and mime skills. 2) If they slip on the wet tile around the pool they wouldn't dare sue me for fear of being deported. If they die from their injuries no one even knew they were here in the first place. And I’m sure one of their cousins I left back at the Post Office wouldn’t mind burying the body as a condition of employment. 3) These people breed like rabbits, thus providing cheap, plentiful and renewable child labor. Kids have small hands good for picking grapes out in the Moxtopia™ vineyard. Not to mention cleaning my gun collection with uncommon skill. I bet I can also teach at least one of them to make me a mean margarita. After all, they are nursed on tequila.

As a side note, if I force the illegals to form a naked human pyramid or wear a poncho and burlap hood (to make Don Rumsfeld laugh, of course. I prefer to make them drink sour milk and then lock all 10 bathroom doors), I can simply pantomime that it is a long standing American tradition. And then mime myself into an impenetrable room if they dare get rowdy, from which I can mime a call to Immigration services. They smile and say "yes, Ms. Moxie." (This is the only English I will teach them.) Working on the compound is about learning personal responsibility and not relying on others for providing shelter, clothing and unspoiled food. It's the beginning of a beautiful relationship. Ryan McGee proved his worthiness (almost), as an honorary Republican. He carefully removed all the offensive things I wrote, and is now fixing me a drink.

Posted by Moxie at 2:53 PM | Comments (6)

May 10, 2004

fear factor and other crimes

What’s all this fuss over abuse? He who has not abused should cast the first stone. I’ve obtained top secret summaries from hot-rummy’s testimony last week. "We had a safety word, you know. Our safety word was "Jesus." And not a single one of the Iraqis ever said it! All they had to do was call out to Our Lord, and they never did. They were willing participants! Look, if you’ve ever smacked your wife on the ass and put a dog collar on her while she was sleeping, and you loved her – does that make you a criminal? Is S&M a crime? To me, and I’m going to take a Maureen Dowd “no facts necessary to defend my own party” position, how is this abuse different from fraternity hazing? Or fear factor? Haven't we all at one time or another dreamed of bending a terrified Saddam sympathizer over and screaming in his ear, "the floor is electrified by the meat of pigs and menstrual blood!" And covering him in scorpions? Why is it that the liberal media has omitted the plethora of “immunity challenges” where the prisoner either jumps from one exploding humvee to another or faces being voted out of the newest middle east democracy? Sadly, at the last tribal council the Saddam sympathizers ran into an unforeseen snag as several of the Iraqis, unfamiliar with the practice of voting, got confused by the "butterfly" ballot and accidentally cast their votes for Phil Spector and not the guy in the dog leash. The good news is the prisoners will soon be California citizens, with secret service detail and full voting rights in November. I hope they tell Bush about their special interests." Post in collaboration with The Jeff.

Posted by Moxie at 12:13 AM | Comments (19)

May 6, 2004

don's friends

It was Cinco de Mayo yesterday, so I did what any good Republican would to celebrate. I allowed Consuela to drink while she was working. And let me say this, my windows have never been so streak-free. This has been a rough week for Don Rumsfeld. First getting flak for allowing Iraqi prisoners to be humiliated. Second (and more importantly), he’s been very emotional about the last episode of Friends tonight. He told me, “those six friends remind me of George, Dick, Condi, Karl, John and me. You know, the way we hang out all the time, laughing, drinking and sleeping with each other.” We fired a round of blanks at the homeless man outside the compound gates but he still teared up when I called for my cat Phoebe. After suggesting we drive out to Santa Monica and laugh at the poor folks buying underwear at Ross he broke down completely. But it was easy to put a smile back on Rummy’s face. I reminded him John Kerry sleeps with his own enemy – Terry Kerry. A rich lifelong Republican and “environmentalist.” Who owns three SUVs. We laughed then followed my houseboy Andrew over to his favorite gay bar. There Rummy and I told all the homosexuals that Jesus loves us more than them.

Posted by Moxie at 9:30 PM | Comments (20)

May 3, 2004

breaking shit

We're breaking all sorts of things out here in Los Angeles.

Mostly temperature records.

Two days in a row at over 100 degrees Fahrenheit. I'd like to think my liberal use of ozone depleting products played some small role.

Bush got wood during a cabinet meeting at the thought global warming was becoming a reality. Fortunately, Karl Rove had the phone number of a Clinton-era intern who was able to massage the problem.

This afternoon I ran through the sprinklers in my bikini with Ashcroft. We spent the day editing his first children's book entitled: "Your Mommy Wanted to Abort You, but I Wouldn't Let Her....and other Bedtime Stories."

If all goes well, it will be an entire series aimed at grooming the newest generation of Republicans.

Then we sat down and tried to figure out why our friends the Saudis haven't fixed the gas prices despite all our wheeling and dealing.

Prices are approaching 3 bucks a gallon here in California. Of course I don't care -- I burn c-notes for heat during the winter, but I'm sure there are people out there who aren't as good at making money as me.

This evening I'll be celebrating with champagne. We've captured Ted Rall. Plan is to humiliate him sexually (we know he likes young boys) and then force him to drink Natty Ice until it's pouring out of every last orifice.

Posted by Moxie at 6:19 PM | Comments (20)

fickle fan letter

Moxie, I've read your blog off and on for some time. I think originally I found a link to it from Tony Pierce's weblog. {ed. -- that's my handsome husband you are speaking of} One of the reasons I originally visited Tony Pierce's blog was because the writing was interesting and often made me laugh. The same reason was what brought me back to your blog time and again after I became aware of it. The funny thing about blogs is that while most people claim to write for themselves and feign cool detachment to whether or not their writing is well received, the truth is most bloggers do care what their readership thinks. I read Tony regularly until he started writing the Kurt Cobain storyline. It wasn't that interesting and to be honest, any chance it had of being interesting was lost when it went on and on and on for weeks (could have been days but it seemed like weeks). I think you're a tremendously talented writer and look forward to 2005 when you'll hopefully stop pandering to the few who actually give a rat's ass about whether or not there is a "vast" rightwing conspiracy and begin writing about what bands you caught, parties you attended and the usually interesting day-to-day moxie information you shared. I guess I'm a voyeur insomuch as I care more about what makes you "you" and less about who you'll be wasting your vote with. - e. Dear e., Countering your singular email, I received 50 others today from the "few" who appreciate the vast conspiracy that is the conservative set. Forget the jet set. It's the Bushies who are the force to be reckoned with. And I'm not talking about those hairy feminists dancing and singing in the mall about being able to slaughter their unborn babies if they so decide it's convenient. I don't know which is more repulsive, not keeping a nice bottle of vodka in the freezer or someone who has no appreciation for satire. We conservatives learned about satire right after we learned how to shoot a semi-automatic weapon and drink a beer -- if my memory serves me correctly -- that was pre-school. Much like the other emails I've answered, I feel badly over losing a reader for approximately 3 seconds, then I get back to Moxtopia. Where I work much harder than the folks sleeping on the streets covered up with the LA Times. And begging for change. If you long for the vacuous Hollywood party stories, you can check out any of the other 1,000 women (or homeless folks) who are writing LA party blogs. Or read what Hollywood ate for breakfast any particular morning. It's fascinating and easier to digest (pun intended) than guns, pro-life and reality. Afterall, we're all a jury of one. Unless you are a patchouli wearing hippie. e, I appreciate your fond words about my writing ability. It's just that I don't want to waste those words on bands, parties and homeless intellectual stories. You know, just like you don't want me to "waste" my vote on George W. xoxo, ~Moxie {please, liberals -- email me -- I'll be happy to respond publicly}

Posted by Moxie at 4:27 AM | Comments (8)