« May 2004 | Main | July 2004 »
June 30, 2004
curb your liberalism
Enough with the heavy lifting of dirty martinis, telling Moore fat jokes to the glorious men of the right. It’s time to relax and take ourselves lightly.
Al Gore must have been reading lots of fine Republican blogs because he
just invented the term digital brown shirts.
Sadly, by “brown shirts” el bore wasn’t referring to his desire to pork one of those hot hard-working UPS men.
No he was calling me -- MOXIE -- a Nazi. That pig.
This is yet another example of the edentulous liberal’s desire to cheat. Predetermine the winners. Finally be Bill Gates’ boss. Another example of how the left truly views the right to free speech and self expression.
All cheaters play the same con. Homeless intellectual, professor, journalist, any of the 3+ Million government employees, Osama bin Laden, crack-addicted welfare mothers – all of them hate their lot in life.
Careful here. Support of worthless social services (and governmental POWER) isn’t based on a race, sex, or religion. Unless you are French-ified and support public school lunches so your ketchup can be a vegetable.
Where was I? Oh yes… You are conservative? No FREE speech for you! But I’m not some libshit. This isn’t about free speech. This is about cheating.
Don’t believe me?
Look at Larry David. He cheats.
His wife hates George Bush. He drives a Prius. But, here’s a little Hollywood secret me pretties – it is all a scam. Larry is just practicing another cheaters art - anti-competitive business practices.
Scream at invalids? Larry. Fat black whore gives awesome blowjobs? Larry. Anger the bull dyke secretary? Larry. Demean the Holocaust survivor? Larry. Tear the veil off a Muslim woman? Larry. Behave in EVERY SINGLE WAY like Rodney Dangerfield’s rich funny Republican? Larry.
But he does drive a Prius. And his wife hates George Bush, so it's all okay.
Deep down Larry, like all good Jews, has no friggin’ reason to be a Democrat. But I forgive him, cause he’s making so much money and moreover, each week he tacitly endorses the attitudes his bitch wife and Al Gore are so much against.
You cheat away Larry. I will too.
Posted by Moxie at 2:06 PM | Comments (65)
June 29, 2004
overheard at the moxtopia compound this evening:
"I need moore of your lard-fried pork lumps" "there. i'm giving you my pork." "please sir, can I have some moore?" "Consuela you bitch, I need moore scotch." "Do you like my huge engorged font?" "Steve H. I linked you. There. I linked you HARD. Now give me a nice slow hour of trackback" "I've published a new post with reckless abandon. And I like to win by losing."Posted by Moxie at 11:28 PM | Comments (7)
breaking news
thanks to my readers, I have some scoop: despite the fact that a couple million people went to see the {Michael Moore Bowel movement} movie doesn't change it from ignorant propaganda to a legitimate documentary. In case you were wondering, it's still okay to make fat jokes. I mean the Moore himself called Americans stupid. These same stupid Americans paid well-earned cash to see his tripe (and oh-lord the economy is SO bad that they haven't eaten for weeks but have the dough to see fatty's mockumentary). Some ignorant intellectuals call it a film or documentary. But those people are French. And Mike? He's still obese. Buit it's not HIS fault. And the big fatty is such a hypocritical capitalist pig that he took all the "stupid Americans" money. Really buddy, go see your movie. Just know Moore will use your cash to pay for an industrial strength platinum bidet. Because his ass is so big, no Costco or Sam's club could ever stock an economy pack of TP that could handle even one load of his bullshit and huge hemmorroids. Some call them films. But those people are French. Oh wait. Did I already say that? So....back to important things, like fat jokes. If there were facts to debate I'd be happy to oblige...until "Feed my Maw" Moore uses an actual fact in his "fatumentaries" I'll stick to poking fun at his waddles and waddles of liberated chins. His ignorance goes well with a dirty ketel one martini. With four olives. One for each roll of fat around his left ankle.Posted by Moxie at 11:09 AM | Comments (48)
June 28, 2004
feed the maw
Some philosophical questions to ponder: --> If Michael Moore's thighs rub together and there are no seismographs, does the earth still quake? --> What is the sound of one of Michael Moore's chins clapping? --> Does there exist an absolute and fundamental fat, or is Michael Moore's obesity relative? --> Do infants enjoy infancy as much as Slick Willy enjoys adultery? --> If in Greek “philosophy” means “love of wisdom” does "Democrat" mean "pinko, love-me, love-my-entitlements homeless intellectual"? --> Can objectivity ever be a reasonable goal for a Michael "feed my maw" Moore documentary?Posted by Moxie at 4:49 PM | Comments (35)
too bad Michael Moore's Mom didn't have one
I know it makes some people uncomfortable when I talk about dead babies. But that's okay by me, because it makes me uncomfortable to think about all those thousands of babies who get their brains sucked out with a vaccum each day. In all fairness, I have considered (over a tumbler of Macallan scotch) that not all abortions are bad. Here is one very good reason to support abortion. For liberals, that is. And some of you laughed when I suggested this weekend that liberals and their enthusiasm for abortions could eventually lead to extinction. Imagine....Posted by Moxie at 2:31 PM | Comments (6)
June 26, 2004
the petting zoo
Everyone has a purpose in life. I’m fairly sure I was put on this earth to annoy liberals. We are talking sheer unadulterated aggravation. The thought of a rich, drunk conservative walking freely in Los Angeles should keep them awake at night in a cold sweat. My hopes are the lack of sleep will encourage them to work. Every good liberal needs a contingency plan for laziness and reliance on other people’s productivity (true meaning of OPP). It seems I chapped a few asses with my suggestion of shipping liberals to some countries where they might be more comfortable. I hear North Korea is a good place to diet and the weather is gorgeous in Communist China this time of year. And while the liberal export business was a sound idea, sadly, I didn’t think the concept through nearly enough. The much wiser idea would be to place all the unwashed liberals in a petting zoo, where they belong. Conservatives from far and wide could come by and marvel at the freaks of nature. “What do you mean they don’t eat meat?” And “Is it true those people will only bathe in certified organic, pesticide-free mud?” It’s hard to imagine that when viewing the odiferous environmentalist many wouldn’t utter, “That beast used to roam free, had no appreciation for oil and RECYCLED. It’s hard to imagine a world like that.” It would be a beautiful sight to behold. Folks to your left you can see and pet the hairy back of a woman who froths at the mouth when someone within a 10 mile radius indirectly refers to Halliburton in a positive light. The liberal petting zoo is also about conservation, something those people should understand. Since most of them prefer to abort instead of procreate, we may have to institute a breeding program to remind conservatives about our past. Little Johnny can see how lucky he is to have been born. That woman hugging the tree? She would have aborted you. Of course this would also allow for some VRWC job creation. It would take almost all of Southern California’s illegal immigrants to shovel the tons of liberal bullshit out of the pens. If we captured the wild boar known as Mike Moore, we’d have to tap into other states to handle his load. But at least there would be an unending supply of “organic” fertilizer for the entire San Joaquin valley. And that my friends is the purpose of all liberals. To be taken care of, fed and have their nappies changed. On your dime. They might try to bite, but it won’t hurt. They’re harmless and you can still pet them. Cute little helpless liberals.Posted by Moxie at 7:22 PM | Comments (38)
June 24, 2004
They don’t call it a French manicure for nothing
Because I am a Republican, I am therefore an unabashed hypocrite.
I hire little tan illegals to wait on me hand and foot, I plan to relieve little Nordstrom H. of his shitting activities by outsourcing his bowels to a baby in India or China and yesterday I went out and got me a French manicure.
It should not surprise you that the French manicure involves painting blinding white polish on the outer edge of your nails.
You know -- just in case you have to surrender at a bar. And don’t have a white flag or a pair of panties to wave like the nutsack-less pussy you are.
Unwashed liberals prefer these manicures because the dirt under their fingernails doesn’t immediately give them away as someone who doesn’t bathe and humps trees for sport.
The other interesting thing about French manicures is that you can’t really do anything for yourself. You get into a tight spot and pretty much have to rely on the goodwill of others (sounds familiar, I hope).
Today, I had to have Andrew my gay houseboy open my bible for me, so I could read to him (yet again) the tale of Sodom and Gomorrah. And when his homosexuality made me cry – I had to enlist the assistance of Jesus Christ himself to wipe my eyes. Ruining my newly painted fingernail polish would have given Our Savior explosive diarrhea. And it would have rained heavenly shit upon the blue states.
As much as I hate those states, I don't want my tax dollars going to clean up our lord's wrath on those who enjoy ass sex.
And when I was being accosted by multiple-chinned, brainless Michael Morons, I had to call for someone else to help me. Fingerheit polish 911.
I couldn’t shoot the rifle, what if I broke a nail? Or missed knocking out the hippies? Those are risks I am unwilling to take.
Posted by Moxie at 5:23 PM | Comments (19)
June 22, 2004
my updates
Some of you have called it my "lack of updateitude." I prefer to call it nuanced. So freaking nuanced you didn't notice the new posts. Some of you might think I've been sitting here loafing in the pool while Andrew my gay houseboy serves me drinks. But actually I'm so jeebus-christ-like nuanced you didn't see me whispering in Sean Hannity's ear on-air. Then I made my way over to Al Franken's ear and told him he's right too. And laughed like an unwashed liberal loon on LSD. Bet you didn't see me at the White House, telling President Bush we need to start LOTS of new wars before November. Primarily to prevent a waffling pinko candidate from "stealing the election" and allowing the terrorists to win. And who saw my nuanced guarding over Saddam in his cell? You'd have to be a Bulgarian albino one man-naked pyramid. Almost as difficult as finding a white man in possession of a bigger dick than Camille Paglia. The scotch I made Saddam drink was so subtle, I don't think he knew he drank it until he was drunk and pleasuring himself to a picture of John Kerry's "I am Sam" campaign thumbs up photo. In fact, this post is so nuanced, let's all pretend it never happened. And now the helicopter is here to take me back to my yacht. I'll be back. Eventually.Posted by Moxie at 9:41 PM | Comments (11)
June 20, 2004
Father's day
I would like to wish Steve a very happy Father’s Day. He’s promised to be the best deadbeat Dad little Nordstrom H. could ever want. The deadbeat part is very sad indeed. Have you seen he cooks like a pro? And drinks good scotch? Not to mention he’s already begun shopping for our evil-conservative offspring and has taken a photo with a super high-powered in-utero camera so you can see our child presently as he develops. It may be time to relocate the Moxtopia compound somewhere closer to Coral Gables. It struck me, as I was lifting off in a helicopter, from the roof of the Moxtopia yacht down at the marina -- how many of my illegitimate children might be running around down there in the City of Angels. So I would also like to wish a happy Father’s Day to all the men who may have fathered children of mine unbeknownst to me.Posted by Moxie at 2:01 PM | Comments (5)
June 18, 2004
Because liberals are weird
How come the republicans are never in favor of protecting the welfare of children after birth? Oh you poor misled liberal, you. Social services are largely counterproductive for those who use them. I look at those who rely on social services the way I look at a man who has women insecure enough to willingly be one of many he dates. It’s called having your cake and eating it too. Why would any man in his right mind commit to only ONE woman when she’s already agreed it’s fine for him to stick it in as many others as he sees fit? And she’ll still love him and be there for him whenever he has time for her? Same holds true for social services. If I can live off the hard work of others why bother looking for my own job? The milk is free. How about 2 billion to fund daycare for the working poor? Take care of living children you self-righteous hypocrites. Here’s what you don’t get. I don’t want to pay for your kids since I’d rather pay for my own. My little one deserves the Prada stroller I worked hard to pay for. You also mention the “working poor” and that sounds like an oxymoron. If you work and are still poor – you get another job, get more educated or decide to become a homeless intellectual. If you can’t afford to provide for your child, it’s simple – don’t get pregnant. It’s called personal responsibility – you should try it sometime. See, in Moxtopia if we don’t want to go to jail, we don’t rob the bank. Or as the Baretta theme songs says; don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time. And on that note, Steve and I decided to name our child Nordstrom, nothing says “right-wing capitalist ass-kicker” better than conspicuous consumption. Sadly, we just realized I’ll have to give up scotch while carrying the embryonic right-wing Damien. So while I’ll be eating for two, Steve will have to be drinking for two. I think he can handle it.Posted by Moxie at 4:39 PM | Comments (67)
June 16, 2004
moxtopia's official position on stem cell research
I know a lot of you look to me (the voice of reason) for guidance before forming your own opinions on important issues. For that purpose alone, I present you with the official VRWC stance on embryonic stem cell research. The funny thing about embryonic stem-cells is they come (oddly enough) from embryos -- those things progressives scrape out of their body because they "don't want to get fat." This is roughly equivalent to drinking a bottle of wine but not wanting to "get drunk" (then again, who doesn't want to get drunk. Especially during tax season.) Now an intelligent person (a conservative) would either abstain from sex or use protection. Because no matter how vigorous the sexual act, the calories spent will not compensate for the unsightly weight gain in the next 9 months. But I digress. Since stem-cells come from dead babies and the dead babies come out of the uteri of liberals, we are simply propagating flawed cell lines. I look at the discontinuation of stem-cell research as an extension of my eugenics program. In summary: either cut it out entirely or use better stock. (For the curious, Steve has kindly promised to send a mostly clean Ziploc baggy full of procreative goodness via FedEx. My turkey baster is quivering in anticipation.)Posted by Moxie at 9:32 AM | Comments (32)
contractopoly
Contractopoly is the new interactive game that lets you win billions in sweetheart deals from the Bush Administration as you rebuild Iraq. Cool! This is the kind of self-congratulatory backslapping that spreads like genital herpes in liberal inboxes across the net (OH my lawd, the government hired Halliburton). I see nothing wrong with this, needless to say. If the liberals are trying to discredit the Bush administration, their "progressive" thinking will have to move beyond the realm of Hasbro.Posted by Moxie at 7:28 AM | Comments (6)
June 14, 2004
Mox-eugenics
Although there are few things I enjoy more than gratuitous eating of pork products, engaging in capitalism and bleeding monthly all while hanging around the local extremist-mosque (all three make terrorists cry), I do look forward to my Moxtopia Selective Breeding program™.
Since my quest to have all liberals chemically sterilized has failed, I’ve resorted to creation of those who can render a liberal infertile with only an evil glare.
Yes, yes, I'm fucking nuts but...
More important than finding a man with huge bulging (oil wells) muscles and a perfectly chiseled oil rig (visage) -- is scoring a breeding partner to participate in what I will expect to be the greatest vast right wing production in America .
As we well know even female Republicans are in reality fat, bald men with hairy backs. So I'll have to put on my Moxie mask in order to score the least offensive-looking and most intellectually superior right-wing man on the planet.
Who cares if he’s married? I’m not looking for a husband. I have one of those. I just refuse to procreate with him on the basis of his politics (but g* d damn he’s hot).
Sadly it seems Ann Coulter isn’t breeding and thank god it doesn’t appear that MoDo is, so this is the VRWC’s chance to get ahead.
And I’m stepping up to the plate.
I’m not thinking about squeezing out one or two. I’d like enough right-minded children to fill an entire Republican cabinet. Kind of like the Bush twins and their ilk -- but smarter. My kids won’t get caught while drinking with fake ID's. They’ll be spanking the short-sighted police officers for denying them their birthright.
And for the record there are no plans to produce a Billy Bush.
Coming from a long line of Republicans, I know how to avoid the unfortunate result of hairy liberal feminist children. Some say the sight of a newborn with hairy limbs and armpits kills the conservative mother upon first sight.
Likewise I will bear no boy-children who hug trees (and hump men) while being physically indistinguishable from their pinko feminist sisters.
Only men with the right brain power, looks and attitude will make the cut for the mox-VRWC eugenics program.
Breeding applications accepted below.
Only those willing to produce children who’ll take over the world will be considered.
Posted by Moxie at 12:42 AM | Comments (70)
June 12, 2004
we just didn't have time and stuff
Well Dan Rather and Tom Brokaw must be relieved it’s all over (I am too -- not having to hear Tom say, "politics aside, this man seems to have won the hearts of many Americans born after he left office" -- is a great relief) They said the "coverage of Ronald Reagan's death has been excessive." Sure, all this reporting on Reagan prevented them from crafting their 1,666th story on Abu Ghraib. Or talking about what "accidentally" blew up in Iraq thanks to Saddam loyalists (those nice people beat up by Bush and his troops). Or reminding us exactly how many soldiers have died for oil. Hey, maybe if the guy hadn't gone and died -- they would have had time to report on this: UN inspectors: Saddam shipped out WMD before war and after. (link via Jeff) Or maybe that "too busy and stuff" was their alibi. I'm frequently "drunk and stuff" but I manage to do my job. ThosePosted by Moxie at 2:32 PM | Comments (12)
June 11, 2004
educating our children
I was short on manuel labor around the compound yesterday. It was Consuela’s birthday so I bought her a new sombrero, another uniform, smacked her on the bottom (why she winced I don't know) and sent her home. Since I like to work harder than everyone else -- between making multi-million dollar deals with Haliburton, mixing martinis for the drunk conservatives in my pool and cracking the whip at Andrew who was supposed to be writing this post -- I’m pretty sure I gave myself tennis elbow. The Moxtopia staff doctor got called out for an emergency abortion Intervention (he was ’76 Olympic marksman), but he should be back soon to write me new prescriptions for all my little magic feel-good pills. Obviously, I will use those prescription drugs to trade with the UN Pills for Oil program. Since my first book “The Scent of Fear: A Homeland Security Scratch and Sniff Book” was such a raging success I’ve been busy writing the outline for the next in the series, “Daddy why is that man eating out of our garbage can? Talking to your children about homeless intellectuals.” Some people ask why I am writing books about educating children. All too often, the public school conspiracy goes beyond explaining real math, like the SUV tax loop hole. One can hardly blame the teachers (they are nearly homeless intellectuals themselves). It serves their interest to brainwash little minds into not considering what kind of person wants to take three months off every year and complain about shit pay. “Daddy…“ is the definitive work for hardworking parents seeking to counter the emoto-assault Juan, Sally, and Shataqua endure because sadly many teachers tend to be the bottom of the barrel. My book will be clearer than this Harvard report fer sho. Clear as a Gray Goose martini: Class size and teacher pay isn’t the problem, except that unions overpay the tards and chase away the girls with nice skirts and less than sensible shoes. I’m hoping Hannity will have an on-air disco party in honor of its release. Or maybe Ann Coulter will finally agree to do that naked photo for my “Conservatives Gone Wild” calendar. Now with firearms!Posted by Moxie at 10:25 AM | Comments (20)
June 9, 2004
a liberal business plan
Being the morally bankrupt capitalist pig that I am, I’ve come up with a fabulous business concept. I’d like to say it’s an import/export type of thing but truthfully it’s more of an export business. Here’s the deal; let’s export all the unwashed pinko liberals to a country where they are better suited to blend in with the rest of the country. (Note: this would wipeout Hollywood entirely, housing costs would plummet and we could all live in paradise, for a reasonable price.) Based on the assumption I can negotiate a cheap price for a shipping container or ten, we could ship the f*ckwads over to Iran, North Korea, Syria, Indonesia in bulk and save on the postage. Afterall, these people who cry quagmire would be much more comfortable under the control of Kim Jong Il. The hairy liberal feminists would love to wear a big white head-to-toe sheet in Iran, who would know they haven’t showered or shaved in years? The peace-freaks would enjoy all the freedoms to plot against capitalism and Americans -- that's all a-okay in Indonesia. And I’m sure the promise of virgins would be a refreshing change from the used-up dirty fare offered here in the US. It could be like the UN’s food for oil program, only not a scam. And we don’t want anything in return. Take these people, please! We’ll pay you. My business partner calls it a reverse immigration plan. The sudden reduction in the patchouli wearing population would allow for us to bring in more cheap household labor from Mexico. Those people never complain about anything. They are just happy to polish your pocket change, wear the uniform and accept the illegal wages we provide.Posted by Moxie at 1:50 AM | Comments (40)
June 8, 2004
Kerry's observance of President Reagan's Death
As John Kerry's website reports, he's taking a break from campaign "public events" in observance of President Reagan's death.
Not so, my friends.
This evening dozens and dozens of secret service agents, no less than 75 LAPD officers, trucks and motorcycles, television cameras and an overflow crowd surrounded Oasis, a perpetually empty Middle Eastern Restaurant.
A secret service agent explained, "it's a special event."
More reliable sources such as the shops surrounding the venue of choice provided more thorough explanations.
Shop employee one:
Oh that party? John Kerry is over there. That's why all the hub-bub.
Gas station employee:
Some Democratic Senator from the East is having a party for his Presidency. That's what the cops are here for ma'am.
I guess "parties" to boost support for his candidacy don't fall into the realm of "public events."
Even if the public services of our LAPD are used....or perhaps his solemn prayer in front of President Reagan's casket this afternoon could only be completed by a few drinks with 200 of his clo$e$t friend$ in a Middle Eastern Restaurant.
I report, you decide.
UPDATE: Some have already emailed to point out Kerry's daughter graduates from an area film school tomorrow. To that point, President Bush skipped both of his twin daughters graduations from real universities. It would have been a drain of resources and such. Very Practical.
But what better place for tax-and-spend Kerry to garner potential votes than appearing within a group of Hollywood wannabes? Still public funds. Still an event.
Posted by Moxie at 10:02 PM | Comments (55)
laughing at you, not with you
If you are an unwashed liberal, a filthy rich liberal or someone simply dedicated to redistribution of wealth (or know one of the above you'd like to help), this entry is step 1 in a 12 step program I've begun to develop at the Moxtopia labs. At this point I'd like to ask all women and children to leave the room. What I am about to show you is more "horrifying" than the abuse of prisoners at Abu Ghraib, harder to tolerate than "On Air with Ryan Seacrest" and somewhat more satisfying than knowing Slick Willy isn't speaking at President Reagan's funeral. Don't let this happen to you.
Posted by Moxie at 5:40 PM | Comments (40)
June 7, 2004
patron saint of republicans
There were thousands of people up in Simi Valley today paying their respects to Ronald Reagan. Consuela, my Mexican Maid said she thinks most of them are Democrats who just want to make sure he’s really dead.
This is understandable. Of course I’ll be doing the same when Slick Willy heads out to the big brothel in the sky (it’s located so close to the sun, some might call it hell).
Quite a few members of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy were upset by all the negative coverage from the pubic, I mean public Democratic personalities. (No links, but you can look at Drudge).
The truth is, if people who disagree with you don’t hate you, then you weren’t really a success.
I’ve struggled all weekend with how to commemorate the passing of the patron saint of the Republican party. Here at the Moxtopia compound we got warmed up by eating jellybeans out of Peggy Noonan’s bellybutton. Then we turned to the official beverage of the Republican party. Booze.
I instructed Andrew my gay houseboy to create a memorial around the framed Reagan photo on the mantle in the east wing library (I was too drunk to do so myself).
Even though I declared at age nine I wanted to marry a man who was a cross between my Dad and Ronald Reagan, that’s as far as I’ll go with the sickly sweet anecdotes. There’s more drinking to be done.
If I'm inspired later, I'll tell the tale about how I pistol-whipped a bratty 8 year old in the playground (this was back when it was okay to bring firearms for show-and-tell). She dared repeat something her unwashed pinko Father said about Reagan -- as if it were fact.
Posted by Moxie at 10:19 PM | Comments (20)
June 4, 2004
the food nazis
It’s funny but I was sitting in my expensive PJ’s, smoking cigarettes and drinking Bowmore single malt scotch in the piano lounge of the past (a world where there are no delusional “progressive thinkers”) when this comment rolled in:I am disappointed by the unfair remarks directed at Mr Moore. His weight problem should not be fodder for failed attempts at humour. ... I would suggest that you get on the freight-liner to the future otherwise you will soon find yourselves smoking cigarettes in the piano lounge of the past. Posted by: Claude at June 3, 2004 07:02 PMClaude is absolutely correct (and clearly of French descent). It is unfair of me to remark upon “Mr. Moore’s” weight. Afterall, he holds NO responsibility for what goes in his huge gaping piehole. It's a Vast Right Wing Conspiracy lie that diet and exercise can prevent most cases of obesity. Clearly, "Mr. Moore's" weight is the result of the food Nazis, a covert division of the Bush administration. He is but a pawn in the game of junk food despots. One person after another shoves twinkies, Klondike bars and Big Macs down his throat 24 hours a day. They force him to chew by coercion and threats. He’ll have to vote for Bush if he doesn’t down yet another plate of foie gras and goat cheese. He'll have to engage in sane, rational film-making if he doesn't eat 5 servings of macaroni and cheese at 4 AM. Oh the horror. No, Michael Moore holds no responsibility for his culinary excesses. He has my sincere sympathy. And so do you Claude.
Posted by Moxie at 10:13 AM | Comments (34)
June 3, 2004
pull my finger...
Many apologies for my absinthe yesterday. Hopefully the long list of pro-Bush reading kept you busy, my pets.
Readjusting to the Republican life of privilege and money took me a few days and many tumblers of scotch.
As you know this past Monday was Memorial Day and since that was the last official day of my life as a Democrat -- after Dennis Kucinich’s botox party -- I used my welfare check to fly out to Michael Moore’s barbeque.
Let me tell you this, I’ve never seen so much food and been unable to eat.
Sure MM eats like a Neanderthal but nothing ruins your appetite like seeing the French-loved filmmaker from Michigan licking his own nipples. How he found them amongst the rolls of fat is still a mystery to me.
As I struggled to remain standing during the earth-shaking tremors of his thighs rubbing together (it’s much like a 9.0 earthquake), I imagined the French at Cannes giving a standing ovation to a man waving his size xxxxx white boxer shorts at Osama bin Laden in surrender fashion.
Always wanting to be a good guest, I brought along a marshmallow desert depicting a naked arab prisoner pyramid. It didn’t go over well. Ah, as the Dems would say, “c’est dommage.”
But at least after the drive-by environmentalism incident (no guns, they just shot hairy women out of a revolver) I was fortunately able to light my cigarette from a burning American flag.
I felt like Hilary Clinton, except without a cock. And a daughter.
Michael Moore, never one to disappoint, provided much entertainment at the event. There was the “guess how many chins I have” contest and what I’m sure was an accident -- a rousing game of “pin the tail on the donkey.” I stuck it to Kerry’s manhood quite intentionally.
My poor aim caused a multitude of disappointed moans from the past-their-prime Democratic women. It was enough to cause Michael Moore's 7th chin to receed. This was my good deed for the day.
Sadly, Moore did not invite the homeless intellectuals who live outside his multi-million dollar property.
Maybe next year.
Posted by Moxie at 4:11 AM | Comments (42)
June 2, 2004
good things about our President
Since I plan on spending much of today in a cabana on the beach while Andrew feeds me grapes and refreshes my umbrella drinks, I took time out from drinking to craft and research this entry. So for you poor folks who have to work, here are all the links to positive news stories (from the mainstream media) about the Bush Administration. Enjoy!Posted by Moxie at 9:56 AM | Comments (19)
