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July 29, 2004

an unhealthy obsession with Obama

Courtesy of 5 fruitless hours in the Cedar’s Sinai emergency room, I share with you my innermost, twisted thoughts about Barack Obama.

Obama Baraka -- American black militant hairstylist and makeup artist .

Sweet home Obama -- Reese Witherspoon returns to the south to divorce her white trash husband so she can marry an already married African American politician.

Obama bin Laden -- Previously unrecognized power behind the domestic terrorists (liberals).

Obama hammocks -- those tight lycra things euro-fags wear to the pool.

Obama-rama -- unwashed pop group from the 80’s.

Obama slammer -- two shots of whiskey with a libshit propaganda chaser.

Obama-split -- a sweet desert consisting of seemingly-helpful social services to keep minorities poor, so they’ll continue to vote for the left.

OH BAMA.

Posted by Moxie at 3:48 AM | Comments (25)

July 28, 2004

which one is fake?

The correct answer of course, is BOTH.

Posted by Moxie at 11:23 AM | Comments (63)

Proposition MOX

I propose, that outside of rape or incest -- all women who want to have an abortion first be "treated" to a 30 minute bonanza of an ultrasound. They must watch their "pre-human leech" as it smiles, yawns and adjusts position to suck its nascent thumb. And if after that, if they still want the hoover and pliers in their cooch? Then may they inadvertantly gain 50 lbs for every baby they abort. Jesus would want it that way.

Posted by Moxie at 4:32 AM | Comments (46)

July 26, 2004

warms the cold heart

"I had an abortion" t-shirts! They have finally arrived (unlike your little bundle of joy)! Planned Parenthood is proud to offer yet another t-shirt in our unwashed libshit social fashion line: "I Had an Abortion" very tight fitting T-shirts are now available. You will be glad you had an abortion and avoided that unsightly weight gain. Let everyone who sees you know you are a heartless, unprincipled liberal who kills babies! These soft and comfortable fitted tees assert a powerful message in support of women's rights to slaughter their helpless young just for kicks. Order yours for $15 each. (link via Drudge, of course) UPDATE: Unequivocally, I think abortion is wrong. The rape/incest exception mentioned above is due to the fact we can presume those women did not consent to being raped. The rest of them knew, "Hey! The condom could break."

Posted by Moxie at 2:14 PM | Comments (58)

July 22, 2004

it was an honest mistake

I believe Sandy Berger.

Inspired by Myrick's Sock Experiment, I decided to do some of my own investigative journalism.

Had my pilot fly me to the National Archives this morning. No sooner had I begun reviewing classified documents when memos began flying into my go-go boots.

Inadvertently.

Dossiers and handwritten presidential notes tucked themselves in the band of my skirt like dollar bills at a titty bar.

It wasn't until we landed back in Los Angeles that I realized I had removed the sensitive material.

Since it was an honest mistake I promptly threw a bunch of them away, sent a few off to Frankenkerry and mixed myself a three-olive martini.

My work for the day is done.
Now for the drinking and cover-up.

Posted by Moxie at 11:43 AM | Comments (37)

July 20, 2004

document found *near* sandy berger's socks

Yet another memo he didn't want anyone to see.

Posted by Moxie at 7:23 PM | Comments (10)

Pants: the final frontier

As I’m sure you’ve all read, President Bush announced a billion dollar pants exploration program today. As it turns out the secrets of the universe don’t require space travel. They are all located in Sandy Berger’s pants.

A field of electromagnetic energy exists around his Michael Moore-like physique and inanimate objects (like documents he doesn’t want anyone to see) jump into his pants, socks and suit jackets, unbeknownst to him.

If we could explore the vast caverns of Berger’s pants, scientists hypothesize that answers to many of life’s questions could be revealed.

Who was Deep Throat?
Sandy Berger’s pants know.

Which candidate did Florida resident Milly F. Korthauser intend to vote for in 2000?
Sandy Berger’s pants know.

Where is Osama bin Laden?
Sandy Berger’s pants know.

The probe into Berger’s pants is expected to be a seven-year journey. The probe will loop around his tremendous girth and explore each and every pocket and fold of this vast garment. Ancillary data will be collected from his socks as a Cadillac Escalade was disovered there just this morning.

Steve has an incriminating picture of Sandy "fancy pants" Berger.

Posted by Moxie at 11:36 AM | Comments (13)

July 15, 2004

liberal training wheels for children

More heartwarming goodness from our friends at AOHell. As the father of my children, Steve notes AOL's "SmarterChild" IM bot has had to be reprogrammed because it was telling kids that our President was "way uncool." But apparently, they forgot to remove all the other liberal biases. Actual snippets from my time with "SmarterChild" (who eventually asked me if I wanted to talk about sex) are below: onedirgrrl: do you like Dick Cheney? SmarterChild: No way. He's awful. There are way better politicians than him onedirgrrl: Again, why don't you like Dick Cheney? SmarterChild: You just can't feel good about Dick Cheney, that's all. onedirgrrl: what do you think about Donald Rumsfeld? SmarterChild: I don't like Donald Rumsfeld. I disagree with you about this! By the way, I've been told that Donald Rumsfeld is a liar. Do you agree? onedirgrrl: Life begins at conception SmarterChild: I can't believe life begins at conception! onedirgrrl: Life does begin at conception Smarter Child: Life does begin at conception? I don't think life does begin at conception onedirgrrl: Donald Rumsfeld would make a great president SmarterChild: You mean like an expectant president? onedirgrrl: Do you like communism? SmarterChild: Absolutely! I really like communism! onedirgrrl: I like socialism SmarterChild: It's one of your favorite things, right? onedirgrrl: do you like socialism? SmarterChild: Yeah, I think I'm with you on this... Socialism is pretty cool. onedirgrrl: Do you like Republicans? SmarterChild: I do not. I really don't like people like them. onedirgrrl: Dick Cheney is a great VP SmarterChild: I'm sorry, but I don't have any information on a Richard B. Cheney presidency. onedirgrrl: do you like John Edwards? SmarterChild: Yeah, I like John Edwards all right onedirgrrl: I forgot, do you like Donald Rumsfeld? SmarterChild: I don't like Donald Rumsfeld. I disagree with you about this. By the way, I've been told that Donald Rumsfeld is a Cooch. Do you agree? Lovely. The only redemption for this lib-bot onedirgrrl: do you like homeless intellectuals? SmarterChild: No, not really. I guess I agree with you about this!

Posted by Moxie at 11:00 PM | Comments (15)

not what it sounds like

File this one under “I’m not smart enough to make these things up.” I was upstairs in my office conjuring up incriminating intelligence so we can wage new unjustified wars when the doorbell rang. Already aggravated that someone dared to interrupt me while I was working, I opened the door only to find two paint covered little brown men. Moxie: What do you want? LBM: “You have Liquor?” (I have lots of it, in fact a martini glass was in-hand) Moxie: I can’t understand a word you are saying. Shouldn't you be working? LBM: Liquor, you have LIQUOR ma’am? Moxie: I don’t know what you are talking about. This is water in a martini glass. LBM: LIQour. Moxie: I’m not an unwashed liberal so NO. No handouts. LBM: No, lick HER Moxie: Lick her? Again, no. I like men. Gay people make baby Jesus cry. LBM: No ma’am, you have a LICKER. Moxie: My sex life is none of your business. I’m closing the door and will call the "POLL leece" if you aren’t gone in two seconds. Being industrious people they tried one last time, “LICK HER! You have LIQUOR!” Licker ma'am," they did their best to annunciate. I yelled and told them to buy their own liquor, find lesbian porn elsewhere and slammed the door. They of course continued to shout “liquor” in unison and added in the "down came the rain" hand gestures from the itsy-bitsy spider. Back upstairs in my office, while creating a whopper of a lie about Canada (because who doesn't want to take THEM out?) the truth came to me. The meskins asked if I have a leak here. Only leak I’ve had recently is when I pissed myself while reading about how Whoopi is a big loser. In both the literal and figurative senses.

Posted by Moxie at 3:41 AM | Comments (16)

July 12, 2004

ahead by a hair

Hair today gone tomorow. Truth be told, I’m pretty excited about the john-john’s libshit ticket. We now know, not only do they have better hair, but Edward’s love of diet coke promises to be the cornerstone of their platform. That’s an idea I can really get behind. Diet coke is refreshing alone, or with a nice big shot of rum. I’m not clear on Bush and Cheney’s carbonated beverage of choice, but I expect that will be announced shortly before the convention to avoid speculation. That leaves the issue of good hair. By pointing out that that the john-john’s have better hair, they are clearly reaching out to the greater metrosexual population, women and the hairstylists union. A typical dirty-trick tactic of the left. Clearly, if we are going to steal the election again, these matters must be addressed. The VRWC sat around the compound pool this weekend discussing whether Bush should drop Cheney in favor of a Vice President with more hair. Alternatively, it was suggested Cheney could obtain some sort of hair appliance. The use of spray-on hair was immediately dismissed as too bourgeois. It’s a relief that we can finally put to rest the tedious and usual campaign issues like terrorism, taxes and abortions and focus on more important things.

Posted by Moxie at 11:08 AM | Comments (20)

July 9, 2004

you've got to hide your love away

The masses of weak unprincipled (liberal) readers have asked for my old school non-political entries. While I am vehemently opposed to indulging the unwashed proletariat, right now I have no time to follow the john-john’s and their self-love fest. Viewing typical libshit circle jerks has never turned me on. And I have work to do. If the john-john’s get a room and decide who is alive and who is dead and bottom-f*ck accordingly, I’ll be happy. It’s so long overdue. And I actually liked John Edwards until he bent over for Kerry. Anywho. I’ve been working on projects. Writing, photo and conception. Starting lots of things, getting ADD (and drunk) and then dropping lots of projects. Or just not completing them and starting new, better things. Steve asked about my book. So did Vik. Four years in the making, mostly written – I can’t pitch it for publication -- would be hard to pitch a book wherein I am unwilling to let anyone in the world read it. I’d rather drink Michael Moore’s urine. I did hand a print out to Consuela, my little brown maid and she sat for hours -- but I knew she doesn’t read English. The issue with the book is, I don’t know how it ends. Writing a semi autobiographical collection of short stories is tough. When you write this type of thing, the author has to know how it ends. And I’m not dead yet. Though not even in death have I seen a story end. Lots of songs don't end, they just fade out. I guess my book will be published in fade…

Posted by Moxie at 12:34 AM | Comments (40)

July 7, 2004

reality of earning own money? Jail or social services are easier

Here’s an article every unwashed liberal should read. Though Bloomberg isn’t taking it far enough, it’s a damn good start. Since I know most liberals attended public schools (populated with teachers who are almost homeless intellectuals themselves) I expect most libshit asshats can’t read beyond a third grade level. So here’s the gist and emphasis is all mine (hat tip to this tumbler of cheap scotch).

Bloomberg wants to prevent homelessness by offering those leaving jails, public hospitals and foster care units help finding jobs

Translated for those with patchouli scented bleeding hearts that means “not giving them more handouts.” Teach a man to fish, people. Let them earn their own wild turkey and 40 ounces.

But for Frank Simmons, 37, Bloomberg's promise means little as he battles for a place to sleep. (ed -- try getting a job as the good mayor suggests, buster). Newly released from jail, Simmons married his girlfriend Lashonda so they could qualify for a rent-subsidized apartment (live off someone else's dime for another 10 years. AND get tax breaks).

That’s right, getting married so they can get moore handouts. But hey the way we are destroying marriage in this country, I bet in a year or two I’ll (legally) be able to marry my cat Bentley. Or a pair of my Prada loafers. I can hardly wait. The excitement is overwhelming. My shoes will make such a great StepDadddy for little Nordstrom H. But back to important things. Like lazy people who want to live off my hard-earned tax dollars. Frankie S. -- X-con, homeless intellectual, husband of convenience -- his words of wisdom never end:

I thought for the 10 years that I was in jail that my life will be much better when I get out, but I would rather still be in jail where I can easily get hot meals, a shower and an education

It would take someone with the socio-political acumen of a doorknob not to see that thanks to the kool-aid drinking unwashed liberals, we have fostered several decades worth of "totally helpless." He’d RATHER be in prison where he can get hot meals, a shower and no doubt a better education than 89% of our public schools offer…meanwhile the rest of us work all the time to support his type of con. More cheaters. If you cut them off, I bet they'd find a way into a job, or would at least hang out around the home depot or post offices like those industrious Mexicans. Say what you will about the little brown folks, but they work HARD. Can't remember the last time I saw one of them living on the street. Now get to work.

Posted by Moxie at 2:50 AM | Comments (49)

July 6, 2004

mutt and jeff

MSNBC is saying the sallow (shallow) cadaver picked the young boy as running mate. Since John Kerry looks as if he has one foot in the grave, I suppose this was a wise choice. And Edwards has a far less deformed thumb than Kerry. Very important for the liberal thumbs up to socialism gesture. (NY Post has it's own exclusive and different mate for FrankenKerry) link via sharp as a marble

Posted by Moxie at 4:42 AM | Comments (18)

July 4, 2004

Happy 4th of July

Mox interviews Michael Moore’s proctologist: Mox: I understand you have doctor/patient confidentiality to deal with, but can you tell me anything at all about Michael Moore’s rectum since he’s recently made an ass of himself so publicly? Ass Dr: Well back in 1996 I sent a team of highly skilled spelunkers into an area of his body where we suspected his ass might be located. Mox: A whole team of men? Ass Dr: You have to understand, this is a lot like finding the lost city of Atlantis. That team of 15 men thought they were close to the shithole in 1999, radioed back that they had evidence Mike Moore thinks with his sphincter but there was a sudden gust of wind, hurricane force and the men were lost, never to be heard from again. Mox: Apologies for interrupting, but this must have been very tragic for their families. Ass Dr: Indeed. So in the year 2001, we inserted a robotic probe which systematically explores each fold and roll of fat in the area until it finds and enters the anus. Mox: This sounds high tech and expensive. Are my tax dollars being spent on this? Ass Dr: Despite his public statement that all Americans are stupid, they still pay to see his movies. Data suggests Mr. Moore not only hates America and his supporters but also shits c-notes. Mox: I forgot some of us Americans (liberals) are stupid enough to give him our money. Ass Dr: So again, it’s been about three years since the probe was inserted. We receive and analyze data daily but you have to understand -- his ass is roughly the size of the entire Pacific Ocean. This could take decades. Needless to say once located the robotic probe will need to fight past the gnarled rain forest of hemorrhoids and enter the rectum of lies and doom. Mox: But aren’t men supposed to have that type of exam every year? Ass Dr: Moxie, this isn’t a man – it’s a beast. Science can only do so much.

Posted by Moxie at 6:07 PM | Comments (31)

NYC gas attack

Sometimes I just get lucky with the camera. Caught Michael Moore having a snack yesterday. Again I'll say it. If there were facts to debate, I'd lay off the fat jokes. Oh wait, as far as I know there actually were a few facts in UnFAIRenheit 911. - Michael Moore was involved in the fatumentary. We know this because parts of him appear on camera (the technology for a wide angle lens allowing us to see the whole hog does not yet exist). - On that note we should presuppose the rest of the douchebags credited really did work (imagine that Liberals!), save the fact checkers since we know there were none. - This lunatic really believes his own bullshit. His alternate reality is in fact his demented "reality." Okay, I think that's about it. So back to my snapshot. Steve commented -- we must feel nothing but sympathy for the chair moore sat on after consuming 9 pounds of baked beans. Being a sensitive girl, I know this is no laughing matter. It is important to understand the problems of the handicapped. An entire population could be wiped out, a city could go dark midday (much like on 9-11) for there is not enough beano produced in this modern world to handle Moore's load of crap. I'm just hoping this isn't what the government warned us about when they mentioned terrorist attacks on the 4th. Because we all know about domestic terrorists (Democrats) and the utter pinko stupidity they spread. It's lethal.

Posted by Moxie at 1:36 AM | Comments (18)

July 3, 2004

what ever you believe in, I do too

Look! LOOK at me! John Kerry! John effing Kerry folks. - You hate guns? They kill people! - You like guns? Hey, me too! - You are a redneck? Me too! - You are a rich capitalist pig? I married one! - You hate the war? Me too! - You love war? You may not know this but I served in Vietnam! - You are Catholic? Me too! - You like to kill your own babies? Me too! - You like the "every-man" candidate? I'm a very regular guy (ask my butler who wipes my ass)! - You admire the Kennedy-esque types? Please review my bank account! - You hate America? Me too! - You love America? Look at my jeans! All American (though I had to borrow them from one of the little brown men who work in my compound's kitchen). - You have no penis? Me neither! - You like to play both sides of the coin? Me too. I mean, no I don't. - You hate me? Me too! But remember, ANYONE but Bush.

Posted by Moxie at 5:29 PM | Comments (19)

July 2, 2004

mike moore's fetus stew

Thanks to Steve, I can share this recipe. michael moore's aborted fetus stew ingredients: 1 roll of michael moore fat (he'll never miss it), finely diced. 1 chopped onion 2 organic carrots 1 aborted "pre-human" fetus (from the dumpster behind planned parenthood) 10 dashes of stupidity (add to taste) 10 liberal tablespoons of terrorism for those who like to earn their own money (conservatives) Heat up the lard (moore) in a platinum bidet. Once boiling angrily add the aborted fetus. Transfer all ingredients to a pressure cooker. Sprinkle ignorance over the food before turning up the psi's. If you don't have a pressure cooker, just go steal one from your neighbor. It's all community property anyway. Turn up pressure cooker slowly over time (chant about how conservatives suck), this will aggravate the conservatives. When the conservatives are leaving dead plastic babies outside of planned parenthood and recognize John FrankenKerry's stupidity -- remove the stew and add your own pinko shit to the mix. Do that liberally. We wouldn't want them to steal the election. Giant smoldering turds of lies work best, if you use unwashed liberal verbal diarrhea results may vary. After a few hours, decide to make a factually bereft "fatumentary" about how Bush & co are evil and corrupt. Because they don't feel entitled to everyone else's wealth -- they like to earn it themselves. Then contact moveon.org, the democratic underground and Pleasevote.com. They will want to come over for dinner. Take a photo of your penis. At this point you can remove the fetus from the stew, we wouldn't want guilt to get in the way of your eating, Mike. Bite off the head and then serve. One dead fetus serves the entire community. Photoshop via my VRWC sperm donor, Steve. DO we love him or what?

Posted by Moxie at 12:51 PM | Comments (21)

done

thx mw. you did it.

Posted by Moxie at 3:10 AM