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August 16, 2004

libshit diapers

Folks, I have bad news to report. I’ve been offered a big buck$ position with Ben & Jerry’s as a spokeswoman. Posting has been light as I’ve been packing my belongings and trying desperately to grow heavy armpit and leg hair. Currently, there is a pint of Chunky Monkey shoved up my arse (don’t fret -- that pint and I were married up in Massachusetts first) and let me tell you the frozen dessert is warmer than the heart of any man I’ve dated. I’ve been dining on sprouts and bean curd exclusively and since “Apple” is taken instead my first-born will be named Seitan. Well, if i don't decide "it's my body, I can do whatever I want" and have the brain of baby Seitan sucked out with the hoover in the 8th month. The sound of crunching bones will be much like having a pre-mountain biking breakfast of muesli. Later on I am planning to pop my hirsute girlfriend’s Cherry Garcia. She’s manly, toothy, twitches and stutters like there is no tomorrow but who cares? She’ll never upstage me. Maybe we’ll name an ice cream after her – Seabiscuits’s Stuttering Scream – now with Stretchmarks! I've been busy all week driving my car around (runs on used-up lard and corn oil) humping trees and dancing to the drumbeats and chants of pro-Kerry amazons. They get their info from Hollywood, so it must be sound advice. Perhaps the best news is, after parking my tuckus up in a tree for four days -- now I understand why liberals don't wash -- it's much easier not to. Just like it's easier to collect welfare and food stamps. And live off the hard work of others. I even hugged a terrorist or two. We hung out around a terrorist-camp fire and held hands with islamofacists while singing Kumbaya. Then Obama bin Laden talked about how much we hate Bush. Now that I am selling my soul, I might as well engage in that “more thoughtful…sensitive war” that John FrankenKerry talks about. Don’t kill a terrorist with weapons, hug him and kill him softly with your BO and macrobiotic diet.

Posted by Moxie at 1:58 AM | Comments (10)

August 13, 2004

public service announcement

Since the liberal media chooses to post the worst possible photos of our President, I thought it only fair to collect photos of the extra-chromosomed ketchup covered waffle, John F'n Kerry. Bonus: a few winners of ter RAZE ah. Please feel free to email me with real photos I may have missed. No photoshops please. Click. Enjoy. Caption. Share.

Posted by Moxie at 6:38 PM | Comments (53)

August 11, 2004

because so many of you have asked

To be honest I hadn't planned on writing a recap of my incredibly fun experience as a varsity panel member on Dennis Miller's show but so many have asked the same question: Why I didn't interrupt Ed Begley Jr. while he was pimping his huge prius? Chalk it up to company manners, folks. It wasn't as if I had nothing to say on the matter. Truth be told, while having heard about large priuses from my friends, I've never had the chance to test drive one myself. One can only imagine what life might be like for hybrid owners if all these bills get passed. Their sweaty palms grasping their own stiff steering wheel, pumping hard on the "gas" pedal, cruising along faster and faster in the carpool lane, while those of us who do things the old-fashioned way (with gasoline) sit at a standstill on the freeway without the thrills. Then there's free parking, where ever they see fit to lay their prius. I hear while parked in compact spaces, there is increased friction and pleasure. Next up? No fault insurance if a prius gets stuck in the undercarriage of a high-pollutin' SUV. Fact is, I look at cars as extensions of our personalities. And the last thing I want is to associate myself with the patchouli wearing, hug-a-tree-kill-a-baby-instead set. Even Ann Coulter talks about how the pretty girls (conservative women) find that "it's no fun riding around in those dinky little hybrid cars." Maybe she's never met Ed. After the show I asked him about his huge prius. "That's really, really funny," he said. I report, you decide.

Posted by Moxie at 10:26 PM | Comments (44)

August 9, 2004

the wild, wild left

I’m simply fascinated by how the DNC sent their attack dog lawyers (and a liberal journalist) after the nice folks who cared enough to write a book expressing the other side of the Kerry swift boat story. The left likes this sort of thing. It's free speech, showing "the people" both sides of the coin. Right? Lefties call Michael Moore a great American patriot for telling lies a different point of view. But apparently, it's only patriotic if the speaker hates Bush. These libshits people are nothing more than children. The rules apply to everyone but them. Perhaps most amusing is the fact liberals were outraged by the source of funding for the veteran’s ad. How dare they use 100k of some anonymous citizen’s money to fund an ad for these US vets? Hint: he’s a Republican. Let's not forget that crazy ter RAZE ah and John "Swift boating to Cambodia" Kerry have been living off a billion dollars of a deceased Republican Senator’s money for nearly a decade. I bet John Heinz has been rolling over in his grave watching how she’s squandered his money. Just one more reason to spend your money and boost the economy while you are still breathing and can control how it's spent. You can’t take it with you, folks.

Posted by Moxie at 7:00 AM | Comments (81)

August 3, 2004

The anyone but Bush Libshit Olympics

Watch out Libshits, maggots are back. They eat dead, useless tissue (the liberal mind) and encourage the growth of healthy tissue (personal responsibility and good common sense). Having watched the Democratic convention from start to finish, not without having to go face-to-face with the porcelain god, only one impression remains in my mind. The left, the usual suspects for hirsuteness and extreme sports really takes the “anyone but Bush” thing to the limit. It was an Olympic event for them, trying to be better Republicans than the Republicans themselves. They tried so hard to sound like the right that doctors are reporting John Edwards has a stress fracture in the wart on his lip. No mentions of how if someone’s head is inside your vagina, murder is okay (take notes Scott Peterson). No mention of how they would like to remove the guns owned legally by people like me. Attempting to fake out the mindless “swing voters”, they used uncouth techniques such as lots of hair gel, botox and a feral child of a Woodstock left-over. Folks, when Kim Jong Il endorses Kerry – no matter what your party you RUN. Run fast and far, to the other side. Start training now you people without opinions. It’s a sprint to the finish for those of us who want National security. Liberals seem unwilling to accept -- the terrorists fear one candidate and not the other -- oh no the Islamofacists embrace Kerry because he has three self-inflicted purple hearts, two yellows stars and no balls. Liberals give new meaning to the old saying "the enemy of my enemy is my friend" For those of you with working braincells (my conservative or libertarian readers), we know that can be translated from DemSpeak in only one way: the enemy of George W. Bush is my friend, even if it’s a terrorist. And that folks, is all you need to know when you head to the voting booth.

Posted by Moxie at 12:43 AM | Comments (81)