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January 31, 2005
More on Meet the Press with John "where is my magic hat" Heinz
Transcript of John Kerry's seared thoughts while claiming he actually won the election on MTP on Sunday:
"If you don't count Ohio, Iowa, New Mexico, Florida and {insert any state here} and you subtract all the absentee ballots from all 50 states, and then multiply my vote count by twenty-five and then divide by .33 and count Oregon's electoral votes twice and add in all the rolls of fat on Michael Moore's gut -- I CLEARLY WON!"
{because picking on John Kerry will never, ever get old until he disapears entirely or accepts he lost, fair and square}
Posted by Moxie at 1:12 PM | Comments (15)
typical clintonian behavior
can't stand being out of the media spotlight.
Posted by Moxie at 10:38 AM | Comments (3)
why the long face john, ted, dan, kos, oliver?
This post has a preface:
In order to save time, I would like to note for the record other lefties equally disgusted me yesterday. Namely the bloated, drunkard Ted Kennedy, Ron Reagan Jr. (god almighty, what a disgrace to the namesake of a true saint of democracy), the life-sized weeble known as Oliver Willis, the Democratic Underground and just about every other douchebag who has refused and still refuses to see the joy in someone else's success. Also, all the demented folks who refuse to see that the US presence in Iraq isn't an occupation, a quest for oil, but rather is and always has been a war on terror, tyranny, and a liberation of the Iraqi people. My advice to those suffering from brain-rot? Just shut up. Watch. Learn.
Anyone with an IQ higher than my cat was teary eyed seeing our military's YEARS of work, actually working for the Iraqis. There are no two ways about it.
We don't vote when it rains. Or if it's a bad hair day. Or if the car is low on gas, and it's late and the polling place is a whole 3 miles away. And it's dark. Or too early. Or we are too busy having lunch, or the dog needs to go to the vet to get its nails clipped.
Those 8 million Iraqi people faced death to vote.
The only people working against the Iraqis seem to be the Saddam leftovers, parts of Europe, the UN and American media and Democrats.
Anyone with a heart was proud of the coalition...it's easy to do good things for your own country. It's much, much harder to sacrifice for another country. And our beauteous military along with a coalition of many, many countries did just that.
Yes, the world will benefit too -- even the liberals who opposed this will benefit and would rather die than admit it.
But for those of us who love America, the beauty and payoff was seeing the joy (of those who previously had to vote for Saddam or face his assassins) vote yesterday for what they believed. Without fear.
Here at the compound, I've been celebrating. My life-sized Dick Cheney doll was pulled from its undisclosed location for the occasion....so some random, unedited thoughts follow.
- I hope Ted Kennedy marinated his crow in jack daniels, vodka and rum. Preferably all three. (Maybe Steve H. can make a sore-loser liberal crow cookbook for the mentally ill and perpetually drunk). Ted can smoke his alcohol soaked crow in crashed-car exhaust before eating.
- That long faced presidential loser on Meet the Press, (my favorite Sunday morning program) made me nauseous. And this was initially the topic of my post...but I have digressed...
John Kerry made me nauseous -- for the future of democracy.
His party is named after what we live and breathe here in the United States and yet the guy who could have been president (if the majority of the US bought into Michael Moore, Dan Rather and their ilk) HATES what makes us a great and free country.
John Kerry despises America, democracy and our military so much he is willing to sacrifice our security. He wants our soldiers to die for naught.
Sure, Kerry was willing to betray his Vietnam brothers. That's old news. But the man who wanted to be Commander in Chief has publicly downplayed our current military's efforts and their successes one too many times.
Luckily I had Meet the Press on DVR and didn't have to face that fiction-writer first thing in the morning.
While watching it in small bits, I couldn't help but think fiction writing would be the ideal profession for John Kerry. He spins tall tales as easily as he finds rich women to marry.
Revisionist history writer.
Fantasy political fiction.
I won the election before I lost it.
How to marry an Heiress.
Elections aren't democracy. Unless the majority votes Democrat.
Or, quite simply -- I'm a liar and sore-loser.
If god-forbid, he had been elected on November 2nd, Kerry would be talking about the great success of Iraqi elections. All based, of course on what happened in the last few years under GWB.
But that was not to be.
Instead Kerry (last year's news) had a redux on Meet the Press about the Cambodia incident, which is SEARED, seared in his memory.
Now of course we the reasonable people on the right think, "Russert, why didn't you ask these questions back in July or August? Why didn't you call him on his fiction then?"
I am kind on Tim Russert. The liberal host doesn't wear a halo but is okay in my book, he's pretty tough on everyone. That puts him miles above the likes of Dan Rather and the other weasels.
Kerry once again makes his "lucky hat" reappear from his seared ass -- this hat came from a CIA operative during their trip into Cambodia in 1968, 1969, in never-never-land or maybe at the river bordering Jackson's Neverland Ranch.
According to Kerry's spokesperson, this memory was mixed up with another memory.
That memory was ALSO seared in his memory, onto another seared memory onto yet another memory that he threw in his hope chest before he found Terry Kerry.
After downplaying the Iraqis' great moment in history, Kerry claimed that the Cambodian incident in which his boat was shot at by the Khmer Rouge (to Kerry, Khmer Rouge is a fancy French red wine) was confused with another top secret trip wherein he delivered WEAPONS to the Khmer Rouge.
Make sense?
If so you may be a Democrat (and I can try to find you a good therapist to help).
The KR didn't really exist in 1968. Or 1969. Except in John Grisham novels and John Kerry's smoked memory.
"Where is my mythical hat? Why didn't I wear it during election night?"
I hated to even talk about this, but Kerry making light of what happened in Iraq yesterday -- he deserves a very hard spanking.
About 8 million smacks on the ass.
Posted by Moxie at 1:59 AM | Comments (14)
January 28, 2005
fat ocicat gets into degas
No, this is not a photoshop. Nor is it a poster.
First person to figure out the photo gets an autographed copy of my book (which should be forthcoming in the next month).
First person to figure out why Slick Willy is such a weenus wins Monica's blue dress (avec le stain).
Posted by Moxie at 9:38 PM | Comments (19)
don't eat yellow snow
Michael Moore trapped in 500 lb. turducken eats his way out. Then heads for dinner.
Okay, so that’s not exactly what happened. A Slovak man got drunk and peed his way out of an avalanche. Now that’s what I call pee-your-pants funny -- if you can get past the danger, liver damage, obvious pun and all that jazz.
Posted by Moxie at 3:12 PM | Comments (1)
being a conservative keeps me really busy
Sorry folks, with April 15th quickly approaching, I’ve been spending a lot of time with the VRWC accountant. Finding all the new loopholes in tax code takes a professional, and I wouldn’t be able to screw the poor without his help.
One of the great secrets of being a conservative is that you only pretend to pay taxes. We let the liberals do all the heavy lifting. After all, they're the ones who support useless tax-funded social services and redistribution of wealth. Might as well be their wealth.
Looks like I will owe a whopping $5.40 -- that is if I can’t manage to conceal my Halliburton dividends and all the 6 figure checks the Bush Administration paid me to pimp their agenda.
Otherwise it’s a fat, fat refund check. All of which will be spent on war, my weather machine, and shiny pebbles to throw at the homeless intellectuals.
Of course in order to reduce my taxes I had to buy another Hummer. But the ash tray in the old one was full, so it seemed like the practical thing to do. With all that Iraqi oil, (thanks to the war, of course) gas couldn’t be cheaper.
Right?
On another disjointed note -- for those of you who are looking for updates on the Slick Willy doll – I’m here to report all the news. Bubba was spotted at McDonald’s today with my life-sized Dick Cheney doll (who was according to the Washington Post, inappropriately dressed for a fast food joint).
UPDATE: Some people at my birthday gathering asked where my Dick Cheney doll was -- silly question, of course -- I keep him in an undisclosed location.
Posted by Moxie at 12:59 PM | Comments (10)
January 24, 2005
how much toilet paper does one family need?
For my libzilla readers who long for the days when I talk about my trips to the grocery store -- this is your lucky day.
My gay houseboy Andrew dragged me to the store yesterday. We picked a short line, behind a little brown person with nothing but three dozen jumbo packs of various brands of quilted toilet paper on the conveyor belt.
In retrospect, a poor choice indeed.
After about 25 minutes and 500 coupons later, Andrew lost all composure.
"How many f'ing rolls of TP does one family need?"
I shushed him.
The woman was arguing (through a translator) about the validity of her 134th coupon. The patient cashier began sorting through the other 366 coupons. Comparing and contrasting.
Then she had to look over the three-dozen packs of TP in order to match up each with its respective coupon.
Another 15 minutes later, we started to pack up our groceries to take to another checkout counter. Our poor cashier looked up and said, "I'm so sorry - this is not my fault."
As we well know, sorry is in the dictionary between shit and syphilis.
Of course after the toilet paper-monster had one 25 cent off coupon rejected, she decided she wanted to void the entire purchase.
Again, my gay houseboy asked loudly as we shoved ourselves past the large stationary object why she needed so much g-damn toilet paper. "Are you the purveyor for the entire pueblo?"
Let me tell you, my gentle readers.
That woman answered the question with silent but deaadly flatuence more potent than any weapon of mass destruction conceived in the western world. Though the methane mushroom cloud she unleashed made for a beautiful sunset all across LA.
At least now we know where's Saddam's weapons are stored. Let the world beware.
Posted by Moxie at 7:46 AM | Comments (15)
January 21, 2005
still sobbing quietly
I miss Steve H.
Meanwhile, a summer toothed* redneck had the audacity to fisk my party. I said I would not dignify it with a response, but it's too easy not to.
You tell me, who would you rather party with?
We had gallon-sized bottles of rum, vodka, jack daniels as well as fine beer, champagne and wine. An armless Reagan Revolutionary as a bouncer (because all it takes is a t-shirt to scare a libzilla from the premises). And as bonus, there was a CONSERVATIVE saxophone player and a Bill Clinton doll to abuse.
Not to mention the lack of moxkini-clad women at the trailer park party. Sorry Adam.
You tell me if I am crazy.
* summer teeth: some are there. some are not.
Posted by Moxie at 3:30 PM | Comments (11)
January 19, 2005
the end of birthday week
After a poor attempt at losing my keys, glasses and car(s) I reluctantly dropped Steve H. off at the airport this afternoon.
We convinced him to stay one extra day but two was pushing it.
I also tried to feign confusion about how to get to LAX but sadly, he knew me well enough to entertain my antics as well as plan lots of extra time and nice things to say in advance as I drove him in a round-about manner towards his destination airport.
Just heard from Mr. Steve and he has arrived safely in the Holy City of Coral Gables.
The bad news is, we miss him.
A lot.
The good news is, I don't have to feel like a freak by checking his website constantly while he is visible -- sitting on my couch blogging, laughing and commenting on blogs.
And with his departure, my birthday week is over.
No event is complete without credits.
In no partictular order...
Thanks to:
the Sunshine God, the Mondrian, Farrah our Reagan-loving armless bouncer, Aaron, PatioPundit & lovely daughter, Sara Grace, Ann and Henry, Saxxman, Cameraman, Kalipornia, my loving gay houseboy, Rocky, the Grumpy Honky, Brandy, Chris, David, Gary, Steve H., Karyn, Trevor, Rosalie, Celinda, the Hoopty, the Outie, Slick Willy and especially Zack and Zoe. And all the folks I was far too drunk to remember showing up!
Posted by Moxie at 11:37 PM | Comments (33)
January 17, 2005
still more incriminating evidence
look and envy that i get to hang out with these handsome conservative men
Posted by Moxie at 5:31 PM | Comments (9)
teletubbies
not as sweet as they look
Slick Willy spent a good hour dry humping the leg of a child's teletubby doll. My best guess is -- he figured he had a lot in common with Tinky Winky -- physique being the first and foremost.
Apparently that sentiment was not shared.
Stay tuned for Slick Willy's heart surgery. Just play along and pretend like he has one, ok?
Posted by Moxie at 4:38 PM | Comments (29)
candy is dandy but liquor is quicker
I woke up this morning feeling a bit slighted. Bill Clinton was sleeping on my chest and had apparently forgotten to grope me. Oh well. There's plenty of time for him to correct that.
Bill's back at the pool today, checking out the babes and keeping a watchful eye out for Hillary. Updates will be provided as events unfold.
Posted by Moxie at 10:01 AM | Comments (3)
January 16, 2005
best birthday gift ever
I'm always cynical when it comes to my birthday. It's like New Years Eve -- big buld up, abrupt let down.
But not this year.
Aaron from the Rantblog, gave me the second best gift ever.
The absolute best gift was a visit from Steve H.; including an autographed copy of his cookbook and champagne chicken prepared by the chef himself. For the party. I live to share the joy.
But back to Aaron's gift...a sweet and innocent Bill Clinton doll.
Normally when you get gifts, the givers expect you to take good care of it, and enjoy it for many years. Like when Don Rumsfeld gave me that stiletto for protection.
Aaron's gift has already made its way across LA. And been the recipient of various types of abuse. I'll spare you the details for now. But I know Aaron will take great delight in knowing my gay houseboy is out looking for a properly proportioned blue dress.
Here is the first in a series of photos.
I made Bill Clinton wet today.
No worries about shrinkage though.
(third best gift, all my friends at the compound this weekend. And a post-party pool party. Didn't I just say that has never happened?)
Posted by Moxie at 9:00 PM | Comments (10)
lazy update
Just go here to understand what is going on around the moxtopia compound this weekend.
Photos forthcoming.
But first the pool. And some bloody mary's.
Posted by Moxie at 12:03 PM
January 14, 2005
sex bomb
Here is a lovely article detailing recently declassified documents. These docs describe all the exciting warfare possibilities explored by the Pentagon under that short-bus riding administration belonging to our favorite intern-invader, Bill Clinton.
The highlight, (perhaps only because it suits Slick Willy so well) was the “sex bomb.” This little gem would make “enemy soldiers sexually irresistible to each other. Provoking widespread homosexual behaviour among troops”
Kind of like any unwashed libzilla male and the large American fatumentary maker Michael Moore.
The report went on to say the sex bomb would achieve a “distasteful but completely non-lethal" blow to morale.
The implication being, homosexual sex is distasteful. Correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t the lefties supposed to be pro-gay?
Of course, let’s not forget -- these peace loving hippies, who only want to demoralize conservatives -- were the same ones who had a problem with naked prisoner pyramids and some nice, soft leather S&M gear in Iraq.
Then again, the left isn’t known to be logical and consistent.
I’d write about the other option, a chemical that caused "severe and lasting halitosis", making it easy to identify guerrillas trying to blend in with civilians.
But thinking about our wonderful military walking around French kissing everyone trying to find the bad guys is too much to bear. Thinking about anything French is too much to bear.
And besides, I’m busy.
Posted by Moxie at 7:38 AM | Comments (13)
January 12, 2005
my least favorite day of the year
Not that I believe a whit of astrology, but being a Republican Capricorn is tough.
When you were a kid and still got presents, your Aunt Bertha always bought you a sweater with an extra heavy ugliness gauge, ostensibly expensive enough to qualify for both your Festivus and birthday gift. Or so you were told.
Truth be told Aunt Bertha was jealous of you. Because Capricorns are all f'ing geniuses.
Capricorns always got cheated shrummed as kids, so adulthood is lifelong economic revenge.
So we can't have a pool party for our birthday in the northern hemisphere (I've tried futilely for years).
But that weather machine we are developing in the basement might someday take care of that. Global warming is good. Very good indeed.
Anyway, as of this afternoon, a few minutes short of 5PM eastern time I'll be one year older, wiser and even more scornful of lefties.
Many a night I've wondered if that was possible.
Good news.
It is!
Other Capricorn friends: Kitty and Shannon, sadly not VRWC members. Yet.
Posted by Moxie at 4:38 AM | Comments (46)
January 11, 2005
if one, then all
I've seen a lot of comments (some here) from people who don't want to help Indonesia due to Osama's influence in that region.
While I am skeptical that it will inspire goodwill from those Muslims who think OBL is the greatest thing since sliced bread, I do have great sympathy for those in that country who were affected.
Came across this today from a Muslim living in Malaysia:
"I'm not feeling too optimistic today. I stumbled upon a number of blogs and internet sites where the general consensus seems to be that (all) Muslims are on the whole are evil....
Nowadays some Muslims seem to think that living in something that resembles the dark ages is something to be coveted. Look to the future people.
...
it does scare me a bit when all these comments are essentially directed at the likes of me. I would truly like to think myself as being worlds apart from people like Osama bin Ladin and his lunatic followers. So essentially, when I am described to be just like these scumbags, its actually quite frightening.
"
Please read the whole entry. It's a healthy reminder for anyone who mistakenly claims they don't want their tsunami relief dollars to go to Muslim countries.
Posted by Moxie at 5:12 AM | Comments (19)
January 10, 2005
blah
This was going to be a photoblogging entry but then Steve H. said he doesn't like this photo because it doesn't convey the smell of homeless intellectualism.
It reminded me of yet another unfinished project lying on the Moxtopia office table, my first book, "The Scent of Fear -- a Homeland Security Scratch and Sniff Book".
There just aren't enough scratch and sniff books for people over the age of 10.
On that note, I think it would be a great service to butt-licking libzillas everywhere if Steve would finally get to work on his pop up book of Michael Moore's Anatomy.
"Lift the next page to see what is under flap of fat #213." Oh another flap of fat!
Like driving somewhere in a huge unfamiliar city without a map...how can libs kiss Moore's ass if they can't find it?
Posted by Moxie at 12:25 PM | Comments (10)
January 7, 2005
Don't Torture Yourself (That's MY Job)
That's right, tonight after getting back from wheelchair tipping and eating filet of homeless intellectual (with béarnaise sauce), I read Maureen Dowd -- so YOU don't have to.
Please don't hate me because I have a perverse curiosity about the mentally ill. I make stomaching the left much easier than it appears and it took years of training.
Don't try this at home, kids.
It was with great anticipation that I awaited the stone faced commentator's return after her holiday break.
Ostensibly Modo's "holiday" consisted of wondering how she, an open-minded and racially-tolerant liberal woman could be single at age 61 and still be paying mounting interest on Christmas presents she bought X-boyfriends years ago.
We already knew our LAB (liberal american princess) hates black men and women.
Being an equal opportunity offender, Dowd is here this week to take down the little brown people as well. Afterall, some libzilla has to.
The only purpose liberals have for those who speak Spanish as a native tongue and/or voluntarily eat more than one burrito a day, is in the voting booth.
After that they are subject to scorn if they have an education, money they earned all by themselves or a position in the Bush cabinet.
Poor spinsterly Modo gets paid six figures to write 900 word essays at an 8th grade level. Lucky for you, I don't get paid at all. So I'll sum up her column in three sentences. One of which is Maureen's own.
"You know how bad the situation is when the president's choice for attorney general has to formally pledge not to support torture anymore."
You know how good the situation would be if the NYT's choice for clueless, liberal op-ed princess had to formally pledge not to torture US anymore?
I'm sure, if Dowd retired her withered claw she could find something more productive to do...like finding a job with Al Jazeera. Maureen's writing would sound much better covered in a burqa.
Posted by Moxie at 4:18 AM | Comments (11)
January 6, 2005
more comedy from the left
Liberal is in the dictionary between liar and loser.
At the private high school I attended my AP Physics professor would re-grade your exam for you, if requested. I learned a lot about life from him.
If he was wrong on one question, he'd add those points, but inevitably he was kind on grading another question or two and would correct his "other error(s)".
His lesson was, no matter how you add it up, dicker or grade grub -- you end up with the same result. Respect authority, respect the process and for every error in your favor, there may have been 1 or more NOT in your favor.
He obviously didn't teach many lefties. Too bad for them.
And by "voting irregularities" they mean not enough folks in Ohio were dellusional enough to vote for John Kerry (and his four positions on every issue).
Even though Kerry's not "officially" contesting the election -- the big tidy bowl man told Newsweek, he didn't lose the election, he just didn't win it.
Maybe that's what liberals mean when they say they are open minded. Everything is subjective. Even when there is a vast American majority conspiracy at play.
I pity the fool who goes to Vegas with these liberal guys -- we didn't LOSE 100 grand, we just didn't win it back after betting it.
The minute the ambulence chasing, my pretty pony Edwards gave his faux pre-concession speech, it was clear libzillas didn't consider the election over. Sure we cracked open the champagne here at the Moxtopia Compound, but both of the John's speeches implied sore losership and lack of closure.
For almost four weeks after the election, I expected the left to try and work their voodoo magic. Count and recount until someone, even the drunk homeless intellectual on the corner counted a tally they liked better. And certify it. He's independent!
This is standard operating procedure for the left -- if you don't like the results, lie and keep trying to convince the world you won.
Instead, "Kerry said he planned to introduce election reform legislation and push for congressional hearings on the voting irregularities."
Please allow me to translate -- and I admit, translating lefty-speak is like trying to read cat turds in a litterbox -- you know it stinks, but finding the right words to describe it is almost impossible. John Kerry would like to find some system that would allow the minority of America to rule come next election.
The US isn't -- and will never be a country ruled by dictatorship. Perhaps John Kerry would be more comfortable in a non-liberated country, where the small minority still rules over the majority... or maybe my AP Physics teacher should have dropped a rubber chicken on his head from 100 stories as a final re-examination.
Posted by Moxie at 12:35 AM | Comments (16)
January 5, 2005
Richard Gere speaks for entire world
I can hardly contain my glee upon finding out Richard Gere is now the spokesperson for the entire world.
If anyone is qualified to speak for me and my family, it's a man who puts gerbils in his bunghole.
Given Hollywood's great success in getting young people in the US out to vote (for Kerry) I'm sure Palestinians are going to rush to the polls in droves -- once they figure out who the hell he is.
For those of you in the US who need a refresher on who he is, Richard Tiffany Gere, like most Hollywood actors bills himself as a humanitarian. If that were true, perhaps he'd stop making crappy cookie-cutter movies.
Steve H. wondered whether the gerbils will be speaking to the Palestinians as well. One can only hope as they would surely have a bigger vocabulary and greater understanding of the world than Gere.
UPDATE: Jeff Goldstein has a list of 9 additional things Richard Gere would like to say on behalf of the entire world.
Posted by Moxie at 2:54 PM | Comments (8)
January 4, 2005
if there is a natural disaster of biblical proportions...
Baldilocks has the very eloquent answer.
Personally, I would like to know how much Osama bin Laden has donated.
You know in his show of muslim solidarity...
Posted by Moxie at 5:28 PM | Comments (10)
January 3, 2005
Prediction
You know -- after we spend hundreds of millions to rebuild the devasted island of Sumatra in the next few years -- the left will continue to bitch and moan that GWB is not doing enough.
And IF in however many years ONE person who lives there, visited there or thought about visiting Sumatra is involved in a terrorist attack on the US, the very same lefties will be the ones pointing fingers at that evil George W. Bush. "He rebuilt that area and funded terrorists!"
Mark my words.
Posted by Moxie at 4:13 PM | Comments (19)
January 2, 2005
cat blogging
No, it's not Friday.
But I'm entitled to cat blog whenever I damn well please.
You see, I was cat blogging years before Glenn Reynolds and Kevin Drumm ripped me off.
Talk about getting shrummed.
Okay, okay.
So I stole the idea from the high school journalers in the late 90's who would post pictures of their mangy cats amidst moaning about the skater boy who gave them the clap and bitching about the popular cheerleader who ate not one but two french fries at lunch.
Whatever.
Happy New Year to everyone!
I must agree with Tim Blair's futuristic-assessment, 2005 is much like 2004 -- only here in Los Angeles we have flying cars and not hover bikes. Those crazy Aussies!
Posted by Moxie at 2:20 AM | Comments (8)
