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April 30, 2005
which color you chu?
Money is paint -- man no have paint, no picture!
You want me decorate cave? I need retainer fee. And expire date. Trust me cave dweller -- I drag YOU by you hair. Otherwise you have poorly decorate cave.
Love,
Madam Chu
interior cave design
Posted by Moxie at 12:26 PM | Comments (14)
I've got a bone to chu with yu
I sorry i not been here later. I find man. No -- man find ME.
With Chinese tradition, I plant money tree in front of house.
It DIE.
Should have known from dead money tree, man no money, man NO GOOD.
Man as usual want to screw me off and lie on my face, but I am too smark to fall for that clap.
Cheers,
Mama Chu
Posted by Moxie at 10:25 AM | Comments (4)
April 28, 2005
Man Smart, Woman Smarter
Best quote about me EVER,
"Moxie makes Cathy Seipp look just to the right of Joan Baez."
I found this genuinely hilarious and Amy Alkon said something kind about right-leaning zealots (like me) being most open to laughing at themselves.
Because I adore Amy, I'll take that as a compliment!
Posted by Moxie at 3:47 AM | Comments (3)
April 24, 2005
eavesdrop on my life
Friday, in the midst of a heated lefty-dominated conversation regarding -- what else -- the "non-mythical" status of global warming and how Bush & Co. are destroying the earth, the part of me that just can't shut up happened to win the mental tug-of-war and blurted,
"I suppose now would be a bad time to mention that I emptied my ashtray out the window on the 405, while pushing my 20-year-old sports car up to 90 MPH..."
The lefties laughed.
"No, no no. Don't laugh. I'm not kidding."
This type of right-wing honesty is something far too subtle and nuanced for a liberal to understand.
We on the right DO want to destroy the earth -- who's pretending not to have an orgasm over one melting glacier? Raise your hand. It's okay, this is a private forum.
The amusing thing is, liberals constantly want to debate us on our utter disgust for the ground we inhabit.
Lefty: You right wing nuts hate the earth!
Righty: Pretty much.
Lefty: Why do you pretend not to be controlled by big oil?
Righty: Hey, just the other day I used a Halliburton stock certificate as a cocktail napkin....
Lefty: Bush & Co. want to rape our earth! They want to abort civilization. Tell me I am wrong.
Righty: You are exactly right.
Lefty: So you won't admit you want to destroy our environment?
Righty: I refuse to say that I don't want to destroy your environment.
Lefty:
Righty: The Earth's destruction is a priority, mainly because we have these little parasitic clumps of cells called liberals living in these horrible places called blue states.
Lefty:
I'm not a believer in god -- because if he existed, each time I typed -- somewhere in Amerika a hippie would die a little inside. At the very least, a little fuzzy creature would kick it. Either one would make a fabulous furry shawl.
Posted by Moxie at 4:00 AM | Comments (16)
April 22, 2005
PBS alert level: yellow
If I had a dollar for every time I've asked Karl Rove when PBS would fall into the VRWC's vise of right wing propaganda, I'd be (even) rich(er).
So folks, the good news is according to the liberal Washington Post -- which may or may not be reliable -- it may finally be okay to watch PBS (and not just because Bill Moyers left "Now" for very, very personal reasons).
The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy Handbook will be updated accordingly.
Posted by Moxie at 9:32 AM | Comments (3)
April 19, 2005
Pope Baretta I
Am I the only one shocked to hear that Robert Blake has been selected as the next Pope? Hopefully he still has that parrot and can consult with him while pontificating.
Steve H. said he's all for any Pope who isn't afraid to pop a cap in someone's ass. DON'T DO THE CRIME IF YOU CAN'T DO THE TIME (IN PURGATORY)...DON'T DO IT...
Welcome Pope Baretta I!
Posted by Moxie at 4:59 PM | Comments (13)
April 18, 2005
taglines don't lie
Who cares what he writes, just look at his tagline...
Confederate Yankee
"Because liberalism is a persistent vegetative state"
But the writing or as Matt "Me primitive HTML GOD" Drudge would say, amateur web site opinion is good too. Damn him! Fear him! Read Confederate Yankee.
Posted by Moxie at 12:28 PM | Comments (8)
earth day 2005
Please Right Wing compadres, mark your calendars. Earth Day falls on April 22nd this year.
I mention this so far in advance because my blogging has greatly diminished. Mostly because I've been occupied by my tireless lovers Don Rumsfeld and Karl Rove, not to mention the VRWC's sequestered pre-war conclave.
You guys are gonna love this next War Lord! Even Hillary Clinton is going to have an orgasm over it -- and wish she hadn't faked it.
As per last year, Earth Day is a great time to club a baby seal, use more toilet paper than you really need or to free your ashtray (or used car oil) down the sewer.
Traditionally, Republicans do a line of coke off Condi's ass -- but as I understand it, she's not able to make the requisite trip though red states due to her new responsibilities as Secretary of State (Sorry Barbara Boxer, but you lose).
Last year I had a jolly good time destroying the earth. So I wondered how I could possibly top it in 2005. I'm so thorough it hurts (but not in that liberal "I just didn't have 'sexual relations' with that man/woman and now it hurts to pee" way).
This year I have already:
- Ordered a few rainforests to be leveled for condos where even slightly used toilet paper will be recycled. Green Capitalism. Doncha love it?
- Drilled for oil in my backyard. Found some. My Hummer is running great and the refinery on my south lawn isn't going to hurt me at all.
- Worn fur, proudly. All it takes is a raised hand to PETArds, if you are wearing rabbit or mink. As much as they want to kill YOU, they don't want to hurt the little furry critters.
- Made liberals cry (and the libs ARE disposable). Nough said?
- BBQ'd at least 40 spotted owls and other endangered species who, though dead and digested STILL have more constitutional rights than Terri Schiavo ever did.
Oh, I almost forgot to mention my many gas guzzling SUVs. Some of them had to be abandoned after an official NRA/NASCAR off-roading extravaganza rendered 'em undrivable. Bambi packs a tough punch at 200 MPH. Even after being genitally electrocuted by a sharp shooter armed with an extra special bullet.
Anyway, here is my plan and I invite any and all of you to respectfully play along.
On Earth Day, I am inviting over a few of my most liberal tree-humping, recycle-or-die-of-suffocation-in-dirty-diapers friends.
Unbeknownst to them, we're going to sit down for drinks (served by my little brown maid) in styrofoam cups and watch the Recycling episode of Penn & Teller's Bullshit!. Please don't tell them. It's a surprise!
Posted by Moxie at 6:25 AM | Comments (19)
April 14, 2005
Chu your food well before swallowing
I walk to work uphill BOTH way to put shoe on you leg for school.
Posted by Moxie at 4:42 PM | Comments (3)
April 11, 2005
irony, sweet irony
Okay, so a dispicable ambulance chasing lawyer thinks it's disgusting Republicans wanted Terry Schiavo NOT to be starved to death. We Republicans truly are heartless. Imagine, insisting a woman have food and water!
One would think John Edwards, of all people would have been one of the few liberals who wanted Terry Schiavo to live. Just think of all the lawsuits he could have filed on her behalf!
John Edwards himself LIVES for wasting judicial time, filming C-rate injury lawyer commercials and last but not least wasting taxpayer's money over far less important medical matters. Oh, wait -- how about driving up the cost of healthcare. I thought he wanted to decrease that *cough*. Liberal hypocrisy knows no bounds.
But like his loser running mate, I'm sure this can all be chalked up to "nuance."
Afterall, if he and Kerry had been elected to office, healthcare would be free, the dead would have risen, the lame would have walked, Oliver Willis would suddenly be trim (and sane) and the Democrats would have had a prayer in 2008.
ps: my handsome husband gave me shit for not commemorating our 1st anniversary on my blog. As much as I love him, it really hurts to link a liberal who reads the bible more than me. But he's the boss.
Posted by Moxie at 6:30 AM | Comments (19)
April 10, 2005
Brittish remake of popular US film
Don't you love the Princess of Cornhole?
Posted by Moxie at 12:49 AM | Comments (18)
April 8, 2005
If mama chu ain't happy, ain't nobody happy
"All people in LA screw me off & lie on my face"
Amen, Mama.
Posted by Moxie at 3:48 PM | Comments (15)
Chu on this
"It's not that you stoopid. You just need be more smark"
Posted by Moxie at 12:48 PM | Comments (3)
April 6, 2005
mama chu quote of the day #1
Because my friend's Mom is stranger than fiction, I am introducing a new daily feature. Think of it as all the wholesome wisdom contained in 5 homogenized lo-carb episodes of Dr. Phil, all carefully crafted into three or fewer bite sized sentences.
If you prefer those days when I don't write, I do too. Actually, if the aforementioned is true -- my heavily armed premenstrual guard shouldn't have admitted you in the first place.
So on to our beloved Mama Chu:
"Why you wear fancy clothes? Why? Who you think you are? Grammar girl?"
Posted by Moxie at 11:02 AM | Comments (6)
conservative reportedly torturing african man
Oh sure, Steve the conservative eugenics sperm donor of choice is using the tired old "wrestling another gentleman in a bar, and the phone fell in oil" excuse. Heard that one a million times. The VRWC expects more creative lying.
His next threadbare excuse is likely to be the hackneyed "bumped into the large American "documentarian" Michael Moore and spent the last five days wading through the endless maze of flab, desperate to find either a forgotten corn dog or the light of day."
Posted by Moxie at 9:18 AM | Comments (4)
April 4, 2005
what is old is new again
There are four sad-sacks sitting around my livingroom. It's day three, we're all dealing with the same situation, luckily with different people. Contrary to mainstream media lies, Republicans DO have hearts. And occasionally we have a few consecutive days in a row wherein we are not celebrating the November election.
The situation is not ideal, but somehow more cinematic than sitting around angst-ridden and alone, grasping a picture of our Lord Ronald Reagan with the Pope.
At 6 AM, I offered Rocky a few Halliburton stock certificates to wipe her tears as she had already run through our supply of paper products. Andrew, my gay houseboy reminded her, "issues are like tissues. Pull one up and up comes another." God, sometimes we just want to beat the living crap out of him but then who would serve us our drinks poolside?
At 10:30 AM the unemployed alcoholic is on the phone, nursing his hangover, martini in hand, "Get her over here and I'll get her off the booze. OH YES I WILL! There's no excuse for her getting soooo damn drunk she can't make it to work." I've now heard it all.
Around 2 PM another cohort repeated (and now regrets repeating) the advice her mother gave her, "You don't pay for man. Man pay for you, Stoopid! Who you think you are? Elizabeth Taylor?" Say it outloud...
We're laughing about liberal boho fashion and talking about a guy who had dandruff flakier than a crowd of protesting tree-humpers.
Oddly enough, I'm the only one who's truly feeling much better.
I replaced the new unfamiliar ache with an older and more comfortable pain. Knew exactly who to go to -- for excellent but incredibly rude advice -- instantly, I felt so stupid I forgot what it was I was whining about in the first place.
It may seem masochistic, and maybe it is. But I'm one of those people who swears squeezing your palm until it hurts (a lot) will make even the most stubborn headache dissipate.
Posted by Moxie at 5:49 PM | Comments (10)
